Wednesday, January 7, 2009

That man done sent me a hurricane (From the archives)

From my self-proclaimed Greatest Hits File: here's something I wrote a while back about conspiracy theories.

Will you Bush haters make up your mind? Is he and idiot or an evil mastermind? He can't be both. Look, he's not the President I want either. Boortz, Sowell or Stossel would suit me just fine.. And you think ya'll hate Bush! Boortz would make me laugh and make most people cry. Anyway, me and my main man "Mobster" or "Wobbly Mobley," as I call him, were discussing how these mentally unbalanced conspiracy theorists can blame George W. Bush for everything from blowing up buildings to starting hurricanes! Who do you think he is, Gargamel? He's the president - he doesn't have time to chase smurfs all day.

Anyway, I said, "Mobster, I bet you and I could make up some wacky conspiracy theories right here off the top of our heads and shift all the blame for these things from George W. Bush back to Bill Clinton. Sure, what we say won't be true, but it still won't be anything more ridiculous than "George Bush controls our ecosystem!" Here are our "Blame Bill" Conspiracy Theories.

The Plane Crash into the Pentagon: Let's see, who was on that plane? Barbara Olsen! The same Barbara Olsen who had a book coming out later that month. A book called "Hell To Pay: The Unfolding Story of Hillary Rodham Clinton". The Clintons wanted her dead so she would be permanently silenced and any other people thinking of writing books that weren't kind towards the Clintons would think twice about it. So the Clintons recruited some more-than-willing Islamofascists to drive her plane into that building. This also killed two birds with one stone, because it sent a message to Barbara's husband, Solicitor General Ted Olsen, the same guy who successfully argued George W. Bush's case in the Supreme Court against Al Gore. By killing Barbara, they were saying, "Ted, if you don't shape up, you're next!"

Flight 11 into the World Trade Center: The Clinton's thought that just downing Barbara Olsen's plane would be suspicious. So they decided to have three more planes hijacked just for a distraction. As they scoured passenger lists, they noticed that David and Lynn Angell would be on Flight 11, that ultimately was the first plane to crash into the Twin Towers. Who is David Angell? None other than the executive producer of legendary sitcom Frasier! Frasier, which stars conservative Republican Kelsey Grammer! The same Grammer who constantly speaks of going into politics. This was the Clinton's coded message to Grammer: "We've just killed your producer. You wanna be next? You keep talking that talk about running for Senate one day, and we might just find out what plane your taking to the debate one night!"

United Flight 93: Oh, this one's just too easy. You see, nothing is more lonely than running for office as a Black Republican. The Clinton's originally intended to have this plane crash into the home of Virginia Senatorial candidate Michael Steele, a black Republican. However, once the passengers tried to form a mutiny, a Plan B was established. The Arab Hijackers were then ordered over the radio by one of the Clintons to try to crash the plane into the home of Pennsylvania Gubernatorial Candidate Lynn Swann, also a black republican (and notable one-tme guest star on Mr. Rogers Neighborhood.) They came oh so close, but ended up in a field instead.

You see, any nut-job can come up with a conspiracy theory; even this one! So if one more of you Looney Toonzies tries to convince me that no plane went into the Pentagon and cite that stupid unconvincing grainy video, and if one more of you states that Barbara Olsen and her fellow passengers just starved to death in some secret location inside their plane that still hasn't been found, I'm gonna throw bananas at you. Look, the government can't cover up a picnic table, so don't tell me that "Idiot George Bush" occasionally becomes a "Mad Genius George Bush" and gets thousands of bureaucrats to secretly agree to blow their countries most famous buildings and all say "shhhh!" to each other at the same time. It just didn't happen that way. There are religous freakazoids called Islamofascists that hijacked some planes and flew them into buildings. It's boring, but it's true. These people won't be happy until our girlfriends are in burkas. And don't give me this moral equivalency crap about the Crusades that went on hundreds of years ago. That's just stupid; almost as stupid as "George Bush sent me a hurricane."

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