Monday, January 5, 2009

Hammer Time

I normally don't buy into trendy stuff, but I think I really could use one of those life coaches. I need someone to help me get my shit together. I think in order for someone to be an effective life coach (when dealing with me), it would require some specific tools.

Here's what you'd need.

1. A Hammer

I do not get tired until I am completely exhausted. Drugs don't work. And laying in bed at a reasonable hour doesn't work. It won't make me fall asleep, it just makes me waste the precious late hours I could be up doing productive stuff. You will have to hit me in the head with the hammer at night to knock me out.

2. Another Hammer.

When I'm asleep, I don't wake up until I'm completely recharged. I can sleep for 15 hours without moving after 25 hours of doing nothing but moving. You will need the second hammer to hit me in the head in the morning to wake me up.

3. Logic

My logic comes and goes by the minute. You will need to explain obvious things to me. You will need to spell out for me why things make sense. Things like, "Why you really don't need two hammers to get hit in the head with, since one hammer could do both jobs." Without a logical life coach, I'd end up with too many hammers and not enough money.

4. A pocket-sized book of facts

You see, I really am right about everything. I am never wrong. You think I'm kidding. I'm not. You see, you were already wrong about that! And I wasn't. My life coach needs to keep this book of facts on hand, because (for some reason) people don't just take me at my word. However, people are easily convinced that I am in fact right about something, when they see the same thing written in print in a book by some guy somewhere that they've never even met before. Also, make sure this book of facts has a detailed section on hammers, because I'm still not totally convinced that I don't need two of them, yet.

5. Caffeine.

Gosh, I love that stuff. My life coach will have to keep lots of this stuff on hand. It makes my brain feel good. I just get, eh, mentally hammered off of it. Just no energy drinks, please. I kid you not, energy drinks make me so tired I could take a nap minutes after drinking one. I'm always backwards with drugs. It's not that caffeine doesn't get me phyiscally jacked. In fact, one time I quit caffeine and I started perpetually bouncing off the walls with energy. I just like caffeine because it makes my brain work faster. Real fast. It makes me go from real time to hammer time.

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