OK, first off. Who in the hell stole our gigantic government-issued garbage can last night? And why in the hell did they steal our gigantic government-issued garbage can? It even had garbage in it! And they took that, too! I thought maybe someone was using it for a new year's eve party and would return it today. Then I remembered that someone that cool wouldn't steal my can in the first place. And I also remembered that people that cool rarely exist, either. And why did they take one of my porch-chairs and turn it upside down and put it where the garbage bin used to rest. This is making my head explode. Not because they they stole it - but because I don't understand the motive. I don't admire them.
I do admire the person who stole the halloween candy that my roommate left out. Why? Because my roommate left a note that said, "Please be nice and only take a few pieces so everybody gets candy tonight." The thief responded by taking her note and writing this on the other side: "HA HA! WE JUST TOOK ALL YOUR CANDY. SUCKERS!"
That's my kind of evil. I'd buy that person dinner. They may have stolen from me, but they also made me laugh. Get your evil right, people. And give me back my garbage can.