More Silly Celebrity Stories (I have nothing of substance to write.)

I think I stood behind Ray Liotta in a Lowe's food line once. I'm not really sure.

I'm pretty sure I saw Jack Osbourne at Target a couple of days before Christmas. I figured the guy just looked like him, but then a few days later I remembered that he used to come here to be on Dawson's Creek so maybe it was him.

My plumber was late one time because he was on jury duty that day deciding a case where James Van Der Beek sued someone over real estate. I only ever saw that dude once the whole time that show filmed here. I saw the back of his head at a breakfast house.

I saw Julia Styles eating dinner in a window once last year. My friend said, "So you saw Ben Stiller to then? I walked by that same window that night and they were eating together." I said, "Huh? I didn't see Ben Stiller. When I'm looking at girls I don't notice the guys around them. I'm way to focused."

I saw the oldest brother from Home Improvement walk by me on the beach carrying a surfboard.

My friend Kat saw Niles from Frasier in her rear view mirror one time. He was pulling a boat. He had a nephew that was in a bar band here. He would fly in just to watch him at Lucky's Pub.

A girl I knew waited on Donald Sutherland and tried to bag him up with free bottles of wine as he left. He told her he didn't drink, so she told him to take the shit anyway and give it to his friends. I would never give celebrities free shit. They should give me stuff.

All the actor guys in this town go to the liquid room when the get horny. It's not a strip club, it's a club where you can find nineteen year old girls who might strip for you later. A man is too old for that place at age 25. That Mr. Big guy was in there last year. Isn't he like 60? My sister saw him in Hawaii with his girlfriend and took boring pictures of him packing his car with luggage.

Martin Lawrence would stay in his hotel room at night but send his goons out to the bars to find strictly blond sluts for him under this premise: "Aye, girl! You wanna meet MaHH-INNN? Then come back with us to'da HILT-INN. He waitin' fuh ya."

Martin also had a basketball court built for him on the set of Black Knight and made the production company pay to bring Hooters girls to play basketball against him all day. Yes, I wrote that right. It's as dumb as it sounds.

He also didn't learn how to ride a horse for the movie like he promised but didn't tell the crew that. So they had to scramble to find "The World's Foremost Fake Horse Builder" to make a robot horse for Martin to ride in the movie. That one, too, is as stupid as it sounds.

Martin also had a "assistants aren't allowed to look me in my eyes" policy on the set.

Carrie Underwood: supposedly mean to little girls at the airport who just wanted an autograph. She signed it, but was visibly "bothered" by the whole thing.

A radio DJ told me that the rudest celebrity he ever saw was Ashley Judd. She flat out told some eager little girls that she wasn't signing anything for them.

Andy Griffith lives here. I've never seen him. I have heard several people say (brace yourself) "Andy Griffith is the biggest piece of shit you will ever encounter in your entire life. He's an awful, awful man.)

I tested this rumor on the radio once. I said, "I bet Ol' Andy of Mayberry isn't as bad as they say he is. I'm taking calls live on the air from anyone who has had a positive experience with Andy Griffith." Not only did nobody call to say that he was a good guy. Several people prophetically called me and said, "You are not going to get one call tonight from one person anywhere who has a nice thing to say about that guy. He is a vile person. He abuses his help." They turned out to be right. Not one nice call came in about him.

Those are my vapid celebrity stories for the night. I hope my mindless writing has entertained you.