Saturday, January 31, 2009

'Roids! They're all the rage!

It's 5:30 a.m. and I'm probably sober now. Here's the thing: I'm am so 'roiding. I am now on steroids for a sinus and ear infection that is so bad that the first bout didn't even crack it. So I'll give you a hodge-podge before I pass out. This will be an update but no good story (I think), but you never know.

First off: I've been so busy (read: poor manager of time,) that once I write I haven't had time to read the fine works you fine folks compose. So I feel like a dick because I haven't read anything from you nice folks who read my crap. I promise to reciprocate soon with comments, since I love yours so much. It's no fun to write without a response... writing for yourself is a diary and that's tragic. Think Ann Frank. She wrote a diary, and they killed her.

Second off: As suggested, I shall provide a picture that isn't an Easter marshmallow soon. But I'll warn you. I am pretty. You might have a narcississ effect when you look at me. You will think my picture is you, and you will subsequently stare yourself to death. Just kidding, I'm a dude, we all know the prettiest dude is still grosser than the fugliest girl. Yeah, you girls can pretend to disagree. But you know if some third-gendered aliens with no pre-dispositioned sexuality came to Earth, the first thing they would do would be to ignore our men and impregnate the girls. You dames are just prettier. Deal with it. (Yes, I'm even rude when I'm nice. And I use antiquated words like "dames." Sorry if I sound like Cary Grant. I'm even prettier than him. By the way, he tripped acid like 70 times under a doctor's prescription to deal with his childhood. Pussy. Do it to get high. Don't do it to find peace from a Daddy who never said "I love you." By the way: I've never done acid. It scares me. I'm not suicidal, but I fear I'd slit my wrists as a joke and die. I'm that funny. Anything for a laugh.)

Third off: This is the second time in my life the doc has put me on the 'roids. I'm still not sure what they do. I do know this: they turn me into a dick. You know the funny part. In my day to day life when I'm on 'roids: girls love that dick! I tell them how it is... and they agree! It's stupid. I hate the guy I am when I'm having roid rage, but chicks dig that asshole! What is wrong with yall! I hate me right now. And I hate you more - for loving me! Kick me in the balls or something! (Remind me to tell you the story of the first time I was on steroids and I walked some girl home and she rejected me when I tried to make out with her on the sidewalk. Five minutes later when I got home, I called her and said, "I'm not done with you! Get'cher ass over here!" Guess what? She got her ass "over here." I couldn't believe I said that, but more so, I couldn't believe she listened to me! And I was dropping her off at her douche-bag boyfriend's house! And she's smart. And I respect the shit out of her then and today! I still ask her advice on everything all the time these days. But what in the hell was wrong with her? Bad Roth Wriscey, apparently, is also Fun Roth Wriscey. But the whole time I was thinking, "Man, I really suck. I need to get off these roids." But then I realized there was a naked 22 year old girl in my living room who was waiting for further instruction, and I thought, "Man, I really suck. I need to STAY on roids." OK, never mind, don't remind me to tell you this story - since I already just did. I love naked girls. I should get back into that life. It's fun as hell. Even if every time you pee, you say to yourself, "This has to be the time my streak runs out. I've got to catch something sometime, it's probably today. The pendelum will finally swing against me this time." Then you promise to be good and settle down and be good, and make a deal with the Lord, and then you realize you don't have anything afterall, and you say, "I'll be good later. Where the hell are my roids? And where are the naked chicks? In fact, it's kind of rude of me not to be the asshole these potentially naked 22 to 32 year old girls have suddenly come to know and love!" And then the next thing you know, the 'roids run out, and I'm a nice boy again. And girls only like me because I'm a charming dork who tells girls how pretty and smart they are. (Which I only say when I really do mean it, but it's still boring to them and me. Wait, no girl gets bored with being told she looks like a candy bar on a rainbow being licked by a unicorn. Man, I'm hungry now. Oh well, at least I'm not horny. Wait, yes I am! Get'cher ass over here right now! And if you're not naked in my living room in five minutes, I'll find someone who is! Man, I sure hope it's not a dude. Even aliens don't wanna fuck those guys!

Dammit!I really need to hurry up and get off the 'roids. Or not. They're fun. But I'm not. I suck. Quit encouraging me. Don't be here in five minutes. And don't be naked in my living room. But if you are, be ready for further instruction.

1 comment:

  1. I just had a shot of roids a couple weeks ago for my sickness... and it didn't do anything to me! Yes... we do need a pic and if your pretty that's even better! Your still funny as hell!!!

    Hugs - tiffany