More Celebrity Stories Why Not?

My study partner in college once showed me several polaroids of him making out with Katie Holmes. This was in about '99 when she was his neighbor in Ashton Place living here for Dawson's Creek. I can't remember the guy's name anymore. The secret name that Hawaiian Bryan and I had for him behind his back was "Arvid" because he was such a nerd.

So when he showed the pictures to me, I said, "Dude, why haven't you sold this shit to a tabloid, yet? Make that money, man!"

He said, "Hell no. Can't do it. I'm an aspiring actor. I've got an audition out in L.A. for Freaks and Geeks next week. If I set Katie Holmes up, I'll never get an acting gig again in my life. She'll fuck me up. And besides, I wasn't really making out with her. We just posed for the camera with our lips pressed on each other in every single picture. I never actually hooked up with her."

Of course he didn't, that dude was a nerd.

And I don't care what anybody says, Katie Holmes was even more gorgeous in person. I know she drove a green del sol the entire time she lived here and that she went to the Catholic church by the beach and that she loved Target (What girl doesn't?). Oh, and one time my friend Benzo went up to her in a movie theatre and confronted her during the previews.

Here's what happened: they were the only two people in the theatre preparing to watch a matinee. They didn't go together. They were both there alone. (I guess actors still like watching movies so much that they will go alone.) Anyway, Benzo grew up around famous musicians all his life, because his dad was a blues producer (He once called Dr. John at home to ask him if he would record my voicemail. Unfortunately, his wife answered and said Dr. John was out with his boyfriend - the younger black bass player in his band. Benzo also was around the night Albert Collins died. He got to have fun as a kid.), so he's never been star-struck at all- and I have no doubt Benzo did what he said he did.

He went up to Katie Holmes and had this conversation. Mind you - he didn't even say hello.

Benzo: You're a liar.

Katie Holmes: Excuse me?

Benzo: You're a liar.

Katie Holmes: OK, please tell me why?

Benzo: Because I saw you on your E! celebrity profile show thingy talking about how it's so hard for you to find a date. You were complaining how guys never ask you out. That's B.S. because I know for a fact that my good friend asked you out last week and you said no. So that makes you a liar.

Katie Holmes: It's called show-business, buddy. What do you want me to do - go on their and be all like "My life is so great. I'm on a TV show, and men are falling all over me asking me out all the time! I have everything I want!" Wouldn't I sound like the biggest bitch ever? Everyone would hate me. So you have to lie and say that you are lonely on those shows.

Benzo: I agree. But you're still a liar. And my friend is cool. You should've gone out with him. Oh yeah, American Pie - forgot about him.

And I think the whole world now has forgotten about him.