So I got bitten by a chihuahua last night. But really - I had it coming. Here's the deal. Pokey Pants has a little brown chihuahua named Hungry Hungry Pippo. Pippo thinks I am the shit, which is really funny since chihuahuas are the most self-centered narcissistic animals on earth. I love them, but they are full of themselves. Pippo is no exception. It's her world. But here's the kicker: she thinks I am God. In fact, she would argue face to face with the real God and tell him that he couldn't be who he claimed, because the real God was this dumbass that is typing words for you right now. She just thinks I'm so cool.
I mean, that dog stares at me almost 100 percent of the time we are in the same room. She watches me sleep. She watches me take a dump. She just watches me hoping I will acknowledge her. I think that dog really thinks I'm her boyfriend. She thinks everything I do is the coolest thing she's ever seen. I make her choke on her own breath with excitement when I walk in the room. She begs me to throw her into the pillows on the bed. She bucks like a rodeo bull when I scratch her back. She even lets me fart in her face. Yes, she even thinks that is cool.
But her favorite part of me is the taste of my skin. That dog loves to lick me all damn day. She especially loves to lick my hands, and her favorite is my right hand. Sometimes she will be licking my left hand because the right hand is doing something or maybe it's behind my own head, but whatever the case, Pippo will bark at me and motion for me to give her access to my right hand. I don't know what makes that hand so tasty but she has licked it for an hour before. She even licks it while I sleep.
Last night, when Pippo was licking my hand, it got me thinking. I said to Pokey Pants: "You know what? I think that Pippo thinks my hand belongs to her. You know how she tries to bite at us when we pull at her chewtoys when they are in her mouth? I bet she thinks my hand is her property - so much so that I bet if I put my face down beside her and joined her in licking my hand, that she would bite the shit out of me for encroaching on my own hand - which in her mind is her hand. Let's see."
She bit the shit out of me! For licking my own hand. She bit me so bad that blood gushed out of two sides of my top lip for twenty minutes. I looked like Andrew W.K. did on the cover of that album he made about getting the party started. But this was no party. Still, I was laughing. A chihuahua bit all the way through my lip. Who can say that? I can. That'll teach me to lick myself.