Monday, January 5, 2009

My Subjective Correctness

I just claimed in the last blog that I'm right about everything. I wasn't kidding. I'll even tell you the facts about subjective things! The difference between my opinion and other opinions is that my opinions are correct. Here's a short list of indisputable facts.

1. Ric Flair is the greatest wrestler of all-time. "To be the man, you gotta be the man!" And nobody can beat that man.

2. Coke is the greatest soft drink ever. Sure, my selection just as boring and just as undaring as saying the Beatles are the greatest band ever. But nevertheless, it is true. Coca Cola rules.

3. The greatest food ever is the onion. I will throw my food at you if you forget to add the onions. I go through 3 pounds a week.

4. You will never win an argument with Dr. Thomas Sowell. His columns are the most rational words ever written.

5. Pete Rose does not deserve to be in the Baseball Hall of Fame. This, coming from a weak kid who modeled his batting stance after Ol' Charlie Hustle. He played the game harder than anyone, but that didn't give him the right to disrespect it like that. No man is bigger than the world's greatest game.

6. That's right. Baseball is the world's greatest sport.

7. The greatest card game is rummy or cribbage. Take your pick.

8. The Who makes very boring songs.

9. It shouldn't be a crime to have sex with 16 year old girls. However, you still shouldn't try to have sex with 16 year old girls. A guy should have enough self-control to run from each and every 14 year old girl on Earth. But I could hear a man out if he tried to explain why he couldn't escape a very determined 16 year old. And if you're a woman, you are not allowed to have an opinion on this subject at all. You've never been a man. And until you have been a man, you will never know how it can be - where you are saying, "I don't want to do this, but I absolutely have no choice but to do this. I am such a slave to forces beyond my control." (See, now you girls know how annoying it is when you say, "I don't want to hear any man have an opinion on this." Usually when referring to abortion. If you can't let us have thoughts on abortion. Then we won't let you have an opinion on the criminality of banging 16 year olds. And no, I don't do that and I don't advocate it. But I would never throw a guy in jail for it.)

10. It is ok to make judgements on someone due to their weight. Sometimes, someone's heaviness is an indication that they lack control in other areas of life that will affect you. It can be a red flag when dealing with them. Calm down! I said "CAN be," not "always is." And besides that, I get fat sometimes. It tells you something about me: I have fun and I'm lazy.

11. Short girls are more daring in bed.

12. Tall girls are more daring with conversation.

13. Black girls with green eyes are the only black girls that ever flirt with me.

14. If you're constipated, go to Elizabeth's Pizza. It's good. But it doesn't live in you long.

15. Tom Q. Vaxy is not a funny pseudonym... unless you ever took a drafting class.

16. If a song on acoustic guitar is based around the C chord - then it is some faggoty song by some faggoty guy trying to act like he's sensitive so he can bang you. Never trust those C-chord guys. Ever!

These are just 16 of the amazing things I know. Don't argue. I've seen some things, man. OK, I've only ever lived in two towns, but I'm still right.

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