Roth Wriscey vs. Jealous Scooter Sandbox

Here's a funny correspondence from two years ago. Some dude thought I was leaving a dirty comment on his girlfriend's myspace page. I wasn't. God's honest truth I wasn't. In my heart, I was trying to sound humble and let her know that I would go out of my way to hang out with her next time she came back to town from her new home in NYC. Anyway, her stupid boyfriend that I had never met started in on me like this. He didn't know what he was getting himself into. (I'll grant you this. What I wrote, looking back, did sound kind of dirty, but I didn't mean it that way. And she knew that.) I was clumsily referring to the drink, as if the drink would become personified and scream for her to swallow it. I guess I should have used the word "chugged." Anyway, I'll start with what I left on her page and then show you how this outmatched dumbass picked the wrong boy to bother. It's the only time I've ever been cyber-whined at. It's funny.

Here was the comment I left my beloved friend-girl on her page:

Jan 31 2007 4:51 AM

Hey, stranger! I'll make you a deal: if you give me more than 3 hours notice, I promise to be wherever you are in ILM (next time with a Jack & Coke in hand screaming for you to swallow it. (if you'll have me.) Also, I need to leave this lovely town and try some shit. Do you see me as an L.A. or NYC guy? I've never been West, and I love my two trips your way, but what do I know? I should go for broke though. Your advice is vital, dammit.---------------------------------

Mind you, she never complained about the comment to this day. And she never pulled it down. Here's what her boyfriend wrote to me:

Date:

Jan 31, 2007 4:16 PM

Date Sent: 1:16:00 PM
Body:
please stop make sexual innuendoes towards my girlfriend, it doesnt make me happy or her happy.

thank you.

goodbye" type="hidden">

Subject:

No Subject

Body(From some Douche Bag named Josh):

please stop make sexual innuendoes towards my girlfriend, it doesnt make me happy or her happy.

thank you.

goodbye -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So here' s what I wrote. I'll just let you just read the back and forth between "me and he" for a while now:

Date:

Jan 31, 2007 5:28 PM

Subject:

That was really gay of you.

Body(From Roth Wriscey):

That person is my friend, and I've never done anything unseemly towards her. You need to grow up. Think about it, you just myspaced a dude out of your own insecurity. Lame. Clean your own house and quit worrying about mine.

I have a girlfriend. And I don't go around cyberstalking her like some pussy. We actually enjoy each other and don't have to bother other people for being friends with them. You don't know me, and lord knows, now you really don't want to know me. Have you ever pissed off a Southern man before? We go from nice to nasty in a way you can't imagine. Drop it and move on.

Date:

Jan 31, 2007 5:31 PM

Subject:

I had to search for the innuendo...

Body(From Roth Wriscey Again):

... I see now. Buddy, sometimes the word swallow actually only means swallow. Your interpretation implies a really rude way of speaking to a girl I never would. She likes Jack and Coke, that's all I was saying. Seriously.

Date:

Jan 31, 2007 7:18 PM

Subject:

RE: That was really gay of you.

Body(From some douchebag named Josh):

firstly, she doesn't even drink jack and coke anymore, she hasn't for years... but thats besides the point. call it cyberstalking, say I'm insecure. say whatever you want. but the truth of the matter is. she knew i was messaging you. and she obviously didn't care. and if you think a 23 year old new york native is scared of a 30+ plus southern loser, your wrong. i don't want any issues with you, i don't really care. but enough with the messages. enjoy your "girlfriend".

Date:

Jan 31, 2007 9:36 PM

Subject:

RE: That was really gay of you.

Body(From Me To The Wonderful Josh):

I was hoping you'd at least make me laugh as you tried to lay into me for something I didn't do, but you can't even conjure up the mildest amount of wit in your unwarranted rage. You make for a very boring nemesis. I like people who hate me to at least humor me along the way. (You sound like a guy that quotes Dane Cook jokes all day.) Go play with someone as dumb as yourself, little boy.

Your "girlfriend" joke doesn't even make sense. It's such a failure of an attempt at whatever point you were trying to make that I can't even tell you what you were trying to say. And if you try to explain it a second time, that only points out your failure to do so effectively the first time.

Look, I'll say this once: I wasn't trying to say a single dirty thing to your girlfriend: especially online in public, for goodness sake. I was trying to say that since I hadn't been able to hang out with her for even a minute on her trips down South, that I would have a dring ready for her to chug the second I saw her. The "if you'll have me" meant that I would understand if she didn't want to hang out since I didn't go out of my way to see her when she was here. You should've checked with me on that, before you got all douchey with your assumptive request to quit "writing innuendo." I never intended any innuendo. I don't even have to explain this to you, but I will because I'm nice. If you will take me at my word on that, I will grant you that I can maybe see, looking back, how someone could misconstrue that. I was raised right, I would never talk to someone that way. What you thought I said would be lame and crude and (like you) very unclever.

Seriously, girls like guys who don't get their panties in a wad over girly stuff like that. Try to let shit slide once in a while. Especially when no real offense was even registered. You should relax and be comfortable in your own skin, and you will be amazed how much more girls will like you. Now get back to your sandbox, Scooter.-------------------------------------------------


That's the end of it. I blocked him from speaking to me online after that, because it just didn't seem fair. I was so getting to someone that I didn't care about. Now you tell me? Was I wrong? Did I overreact? I will say this: I could stand before the Lord and say that I had no dirty intention in my heart with that choice of words (I'll admit it wasn't well constructed verbage) when speaking to my friend on her page. That being said, was I still too much of a dick? Hell, I'll even hear you out if you think Josh won our exchange. But I think you know he didn't. I should have kept having more fun with him. I didn't even go after his spelling or any other open targets he left me. (That's because when you do that, you usually misspell a word yourself. Still, I miss Josh. I could have had a lot more fun with him. Oh, I did put up a clarification on my friend's page, just so she'd know:


Jan 31 2007 5:33 PM

God's honest truth that wasn't meant to sound dirty even one percent. If anyone thinks that I'd speak to MFC (I've always addressed her as "My Favorite Caroline") like that, then take me at my word, I would't. But I'm sure you knew that anyway.


The End

(Was that an entertaining read? I'm not sure. Let me know. I hope I didn't bore you. I feel like I may have. Did you like how I called him "Scooter?" I can degrade with harmless words if it's asked for.)