Alone With Others (Part 1 of 3)

I get into adventures when I'm left by myself. I was at a bar one time on 2nd Street. Let's just say it was four years ago and not last week. All my friends I was with wanted to bail on the place and go to this prickish dance club. I said, "Guys, I just bought an L.I.T., ya'll go ahead, and I'll chill here with strangers for about 20 minutes, then I'll meet you at that stupid dance club you like. I promise I'll show up."

Then I spent the next 20 minutes drinking my Knockout Punch and chatting up girls I didn't know. The fun thing about my mild attempts at charming strange girls, is that when I'm alone and fun it confuses them. I can see them thinking, "On one hand, he seems cool. On the other hand, he's alone. If he's so cool, then why is he alone?"

They're missing the point. I am cool because I DON'T MIND being alone. But they never figure that out. And I don't care. I don't have time to explain this to these drunk girls that smell so good. I'm busy sniffing.

One story of note while I was at this bar: There was a line of girls waiting for the girls' bathroom, and a line of just me waiting on the guy's bathroom. The guy I was waiting behind must've been taking a diarrheaa doo doo, because he took so long that had time to make every girl in the girl line almost fall in love with me... until they realized I was some weird guy who was way too happy to be by himself.

There was one particular girl who was standing closest to me who was eyeing the men's room. I told her she could have it once I was done. Finally, the guy in front of me finished and I got to go in to the bathroom and crank out a wiz. When I came out, the girl was still waiting for the bathroom. BTW, I forgot to mention she was really pretty. When you live in Wilmington, you forget to mention that detail because, well, every girl in this town is pretty. It has to have the prettiest girl per capita rating of any city on Earth. I've seen me some places, and I've never seen anything like this little Eden I've had for 13 years. Ugly girls must be allergic to this town. I mean, seriously, when I hear a guy bitching about how he can't get any action in this town, I laugh at him and tell him he must be retarded. There are so many cute girls here that the only thing a man can' t do is settle the fuck down and behave. I know so many guys in this town trying NOT to get as much loving as they would really like to get. The only people that can't get laid in this town are a lot of THE HOT GIRLS! There are too many of them, compared to us loser guys and we don't have time to get to them all. And they know we're trying to get to them all and they get sad and go cellobate. (Wow! I don't even know how to spell it. Is it "cellibate?") The girls get a raw deal here. You could be a beauty queen in some towns and come here and just blend in. Then again, hot girls never blend in, men notice every single one of you. Why do you think we're so dumb, we're not dumb, we're simple. And easily distracted by shiny things like girls in lipstick and clothes and stuff that jingles.

So what the hell was my point. Oh! The girl waiting on the men's room. I told her, "You don't want it. Some guy clogged it with shit and even shit on the back of the seat. And some other guy made a seat cover out of toilet paper and some other guy matted it down to the seat with piss. And the entire floor is covered in wiz. You really don't wanna even see it."

She said, "I can take anything. I just have to pee really bad. I'll take my chances."

And sure enough, that nasty cute girl went in there and showed that nasty shitter who was boss.

I payed my tab, tipped too much, chugged the last two ounces of my L.I.T. like the real man I was, and got the fuck out of there alone. It was time to head to the stupid dance bar to meet my couple-friends.

The End of Part 1