What Would Woman Do?
I need a woman’s advice. Oh, don’t worry. This isn’t one of those bullshit ploys where I try to trick you into having sex with me by making you feel sorry for me because I’m having some “relationship problem” and I “don’t know what to do,” and I could “really use your opinion” and a hug and all that crap. No, I may talk like a sailor and sound like a jerk, but at least I'm not phony like those guys.
So here's the deal: I need a woman’s advice because I want to be evil. And let’s all be frank here, Shirley - women are way better at being evil than dudes. Men use fists, while women use mind-fuck flattery. Men say “screw you.” While women make you screw yourself. And you never even know they did it.
So here’s the way it’s going to be: I’m going to tell you the back story on why I want to be evil to this man I know. And then you girls each leave me a comment telling me how you would go about getting revenge on the guy if you were me. I will pick a winner and mail you a bag of Hershey’s kisses, a 66 cent check, and then go out and do my evil the way you told me to. There’s only one stipulation: I won’t declare a winner until at least ten girls enter my contest (so you might have to recruit a friend to read this.) Now let’s get on to the story. (Names have been changed, but hell, I write under a fake name, so you knew that already.
In 2007, I was working at a cluster of radio stations in Wilmington, North Carolina. We had five radio stations in the company, and this metal-head here worked at the stupid country station. Lucky me! One day, a memo went up on the wall at the station announcing a chance to interview for an on-air position at our rock station down the hall. I was like “Fuck, yeah! I’ve paid my dues, I’m going for that job! Hell or highwater, that bitch is mine!” I knew other people were going for it from inside and outside the company, but I thought I deserved my break. I had been getting fucked for too long, this was my time!
A few minutes later, my protégé, Sammy, called me. He said, “Hey are you still quitting, like you said you were?” I said, “Not now. Just when I was gonna bail, they announced this new afternoon gig on the rock station, I’m going for it.”
Sammy got quiet and obviously deflated and said, “Oh. I mean, that’s cool. I hope you get it.”
I said, “What’s wrong? Don’t hold back, dude. Something’s up.”
Sammy said, “Well. I was gonna go for that job if you weren’t. But since you're sticking around you should get it. I mean, you taught me everything I learned for the last year. You’ve trusted me more than people who you’ve worked with longer. You deserve your break, man. I can wait.”
Not to make myself sound like a selfless hero, but well, I sounded like a selfless hero when I said, “Listen, motherfucker. I will kick your fucking ass if you don’t interview that job. I didn’t teach you to be scared and not go for shit. This may be your only chance at a break, too, Sammy. Look, I’ll be honest with you: If I don’t get the job, and you do: I will quit. I do think I deserve it over you. But that’s not for me to decide. If I quit because you get it, it’s just on principle, not because I’m mad at you. Besides, what if you didn’t interview and they still don’t pick me for the job and go with some third guy? Then you’ll never know what could have been. Here are the ground rules: you and I are going to go for the same job - but we are going to play nice. You have become one of my best friends. And I swear on my life I won’t stab you in the back or trash you or sabotage you to get this job. And I know you’re just as legit right back at me. So whatever happens, we’re friends. Even if I quit because you get the job. Best of luck my man, even if you get it - I still win… because I taught you a lot and my ego loves seeing how talented you’ve become. Good luck, my brother. And not another word about you not interviewing - you ARE interviewing.”
My man agreed (like he had a choice) and we both spent the next week or two preparing for the job interview. Although, we were being extremely cool to each other, it still was tense. There’s no way it couldn’t be. The two of us hung out at work and outside of work all the time - it was always the elephant/monkey in the room.
Finally. Finally! The day of the interview came. Me and Sammy both waited in the tiny office we shared to be called into our separate interviews with Terry, our Operations Manager. (To make it sound easier, let’s just say an OM is about the same as a company Vice President.)
Now let me give you a back story on VP Terry. He was about 50 years old, and he was a former shock-jock from the 1980’s. He loved to drop the he once had a show with now famous liberal talk show host Randi Rhoads. He also liked to act like he wasn’t bragging when he would tell us stories about all the crazy shit he had done when he had morning shows in bigger cities. (I could tell some of them, but I don’t want to dignify this guy by telling his tales, even though they were mostly true.)
So somehow Terry had gotten out of the morning show business ten years earlier and landed in our tiny town as a member of management. He hadn’t cracked a mic in years. He was now just one of the suits.
After our interviews with Terry, me and Sammy both felt like when presented our case fairly well. Then a long week went by. A long week went by.
Then the memo was posted. Do you remember when you were a kid and the list for the soccer team or the school play went up and you ran up to see who made the cut? That is what is was like.
Here is what the memo said (And remember, it’s been two years, so my wording isn’t exact, and while the tone of what you read is true, don’t think for a second I’m exaggerating what it said. It was as shameless and vain as I’m making it sound.)
ATTN: Employees of ________ Broadcasting, Inc.
From: Terry Rock, VP
“After a lengthy and exhaustive interview process, I, Terry Rock am pleased to announce our new afternoon air-talent that we’ve hired for our Rock Station
Before I tell you who he is, I want to let you know a little bit about this person. He is known nationwide for his abilities on the air. He has worked in radio markets such as Milwaukee, NYC, and San Jose, and will be a great addition to our team.
On behalf of the entire company, I would like to be the first to welcome the newest member of the air staff. So ladies and gentleman, without further ado, I, Terry Rock, present our new afternoon personality: TERRY ROCK!!!!!
Yes, the fucker hired himself.
And to add insult to injury, I found out minutes later (because there are no secrets in radio) that this asshole had known all along he was going to hire himself. He let me and my assistant/friend put a strain on our personal and professional relationship for no fucking reason.
Actually, there was a reason. Because we were a publicly owned company, this guy was bound by law to interview people for the job and send paperwork to the federal government proving it. So instead of just being on the level with his loyal employees and telling us this from the get-go, this guy used us. He let us sweat and prepare our asses off for a job we were never being considered for in the first place. He lied to us. He even did fake interviews with us! And we thought they were real.
I stuck around for about two more months and tried to see how bad of a job I could do until they would fire me. I would walk around with an ipod in my ears and ignore people. I would show up when I felt like. I would lie about the amount of hours I worked. I would eat food in the studio at the country station. I even walked up to the face of our evil human resources witch and giggled at her and said “Just so you know: you’re a God Damned liar! Hahahahahahah!” (She was. The most vile woman I have ever known. Five years in a row, she lost my annual company insurance paperwork - and only mine. She blamed me for messes that were made in the company kitchen when I was away on vacation in Florida.) And I walked away still laughing like Dracula as I heard her sixty year old Yankee ass say “Oh, I’m REALLY going to fuck you up now, boy!” I was unhinged. But not really. It was all completely calculated. I was in control. I chose not to care. I just wanted to see what it would take to get them to fire me. I would even get drunk at station events and drive the radio van everywhere. I would drink gin on the air. It was fun. I’m talking “have sex in the studio fun.” Am I serious? What do you think?
Anyway, after two months, I realized nothing would get me fired. So one Sunday, I took down my favorite painting, “Bunnyflower” and cleaned out my desk. I didn’t tell anyone. I just did it. It was time to go. I decided I would officially resign on Monday when everyone was their. Well, our VP must’ve noticed I took all my stuff home, (My skateboard, my autographed POTUSA poster, and my wooden turtle.) So that faggot Terry Rock beat me to the punch and decided to fire me. But he didn’t do it like a man face to face. He made a young girl do it. When she fired me, I said, “Can’t you tell I already quit?” She said, “No, we want the record to show we fired you.” Whatever. At least I got to create a new term: “Choired.” (Pronounced “Cwy-ered.”) Getting choired is what happens when there is a dispute with people over whether you quit or got fired: choired.
Oh well. I was gone. And that pussy Terry Rock didn’t have the balls to face me. He hid from me. I thought he was some fearless shock jock. Where was this guy he postured as? Even at that time, I would’ve been a real man and shaken his hand as I left. But that dick couldn’t even thank me for 5 years of doing whatever he asked me to do. And he of course never apologized for putting me through a fake interview. I hope his karma is a bitch.
Actually, his karma was a bitch. Yesterday.
That fucker got fired. He got his ass handed to him by the big bosses in Atlanta. I’m sure he didn’t see it coming. Not only did he lose his on-air job, he lost his VP job at the same time. Sweeeeeeet. But that’s not enough for me. I don’t hold many grudges on people. But this one is still unresolved in my mind. I never got my satisfaction on this guy. And I demand my satisfaction.
And now I’m back in the business at a competing station while he's on his ass. And I love it. While everyone else in this town is getting fired from the business this month, I’ve been the one guy lucky enough to get a mild promotion. It wasn’t much, but I thank God for it. I really love radio. Just not the Terry Rock’s of radio. You saw how the difference between how he treated his help, compared with how I treated my help. I will never mislead a kid who wants to learn. Because I was the kid who wanted to learn when no one would teach me. Hell, I'm still a kid trying to learn. You don’t forget that burn when people won't meet you halfway… unless your Terry Rock. He lost his way, if he ever even had it to begin with.
So here’s where I need your help being evil:
I haven’t talked to Terry since I left the building that day two years ago. And I want to be evil to him now and rub in his misfortune. But the simple boy in me thinks that a good revenge would be to call him and go “Ha, ha. You got fired.”
But then I think how a girl would react if I told her of my simple plan. She would say, “You’re wasting a great opportunity. Don’t be so direct. Don't be so honest in your communication. You want him to feel stupid for getting fired, but you don’t want him to let you know you’re still bitter at him. Go with the passive aggressive! Make him feel small without looking like you mean to make him feel small. Degrade him while looking like you’re so happy in your new job that you don’t even care about the past or his current scenario!”
OK, girls. I’m hearing you - but I need specifics. WWWD? (What Would Woman Do?) Should I send him flowers of condolence? Should I tell him I’ll keep an ear out for any minimum wage part-time positions for him once our hiring freeze ends? (I'm sure he was making six figures.)
I know you girls have way better ideas than me. Once ten girls have given suggestions, I will mail the winner the prize. Thanks for reading this long, long piece. I'm too nice, help me with my evil.