Monday, February 16, 2009

Random Thoughts

My brain has been sore inside my head for two days. Let's just do random thought. I don't promise they will be good thoughts.

1. Who are Heidi and Spencer? I always hear their names being said in commercials for those stupid entertainment show promos. I think they are a young reality show couple, and I'm certain I loathe them.

2. Why do people like reality shows? I hate them all. Here are the only ones that don't make me vomit: That one where nerds date models, and that one where Mexicans repossess cars from other Mexicans. And that's it. I would like that one where the midget family lives in a house somewhere in middle America, but the producers of that show never degrade them enough for my liking, so it's boring.

3. How come I'm the only person that thinks it's funny to insult someone by calling them a tampon?

4. If I had to live on a diet of just one animal, it would have to be pig. Think about it. You get more variety from a pig than any other animal. You get sausage, bacon, ham, pepperoni, and barbecue. (I'm obviously Southern as shit.) With a cow, you just get steak and burgers. They're both good, but that's it. And with chicken, you only get chicken and eggs. Who cares which one came first, I'm big on the pig.

5. Has anybody else looked up "woman driver" on Youtube? Call it sexist or don't, I don't give a shit, I'm just promising you this: You will laugh your ass off at some of the clips you see in that subcategory. My favorite is the lady who goes from a dead stop to driving up a wall and flipping her car over in the matter of 10 feet at a rate of about 8 miles per hour, in a matter of about 4 seconds.

6. Have you ever looked at a stranger in public and thought: "Man, I'm pretty sure me and that fat ass made out at a party about 15 years ago. I'm sure glad I didn't end up having a baby with that beast."

7. You ever called a Guatemalan a Mexican? I have. Hector didn't get too mad. He did key my boss' car for something else, though. I hated my boss, so that made me love Hector.

8. Speaking of racism. One time, I had one of those olive-skinned bosses that I could tell was mostly white, but definitely not all white. After a few weeks of waiting for him to mention his own ethnicity, I got impatient and said to him: "Hey, Mike. I need to know what you are so I can know what people I can't talk shit about in front of you." Mike said, "I'm Half-Puerto Rican. You can talk shit about anyone else and we're cool." I said, "Thanks, you Lazy Puerto Rican!"

He laughed and then said, "Wait, why did you ask me what I was? If I find out you thought I was a fucking nigger, I'll shoot you."

9. I hate all shows on ABC. All the men talk way too much in a girly way that men never do. And the writers of those shows always try to slide in some liberal preachy message. Whenever Boston Legal, Private Parts, Men In Trees, or That Medical Show with Patrick McDuffy comes on, I want to burn my television. And don't get me started on how fugly Sandra Oh is. She looks like diahrrea had a butt. (Yeah, that doesn't make a damn lick of sense. And neither does how ugly she is.)

10. I hate Ben Roethlisberger. He seems like such a phony wigger. I hate when people talk in an accent that obviously isn't their natural sound. I'm gonna become a Frigger. That's an American who is a wannabe Frenchman. Zhssshea, Bouyeeee!

11. Rick Reilly has started sprinkling his ESPN articles with political references. Two things have happened as a result. 1. He has shown the he knows nothing about politics. 2. His sportswriting has suffered with these forced analogies.

12. I have a good story coming tomorrow called Plot and Plans for Pots and Pans.


  1. No, no! Anything but French! Try Spanish... then you can say "Esse" and sound all Latino gangsta!