Screw UNC

I hate the Tar Heels. Most people outside of this state assume we all love them. Hell no. Only about half the state loves them. That consists of the people who attended there, and a bunch of well-meaning rednecks from this state who have never actually made a trip to Chapel Hill to be loathed by those snobby communist assholes.

So who do the rest of us here in North Carolina like? Duke. The other snobby school in our state. Don't ask me why we all pick between those two prick-ass places, but we do. I fall on the Duke side, but if that wasn't snobby enough - I'm actually a Davidson fan. And that is our third snobbiest school! What the hell is wrong with us here? I'm from Davidson. I know Davidson. And I hate the people of Davidson. But when they actually make it to the tournament, I'm screaming "Go Wildcats" along with a bunch of faggots who were too good for me my whole life.

Oh, and another North Carolina team that is a bunch of pricks is Wake Forest. My optometrist, who is a Winston Salem native, was telling me that everyone from that town that doesn't have any direct involvement with the Wake Forest actually pulls for the Tar Heels just because they don't want to be associated with anything Demon Deacon, and just to prove it, they pull for a different snobby ACC rival.

I love that outsiders think Southerners are simple. We are the most complicated people on earth. I'm not saying what we do makes sense. It doesn't. (Actually, to us it does. We just don't have time to explain it. I really could explain to you how if you pull for Duke or UNC, you most likely come from a family that at one time was a bunch segregationists or desegregationists, respectively. It's true. But it's boring.) Just let me say this. North Carolineans are some of the most laid back go-with-the-flow people on earth - except for the assholes at the colleges that have good basketball teams that the rest of us reluctantly support for a variety of reasons. Got it? Yeah, me either. Actually, I do. But I don't have time. Go Michigan State! (And don't you outsiders dare ever call me a Tar Heel. It might be our state nickname. But it only applies to those wine and cheese fags that wear baby blue. Damn you UNC, you're so terrible you're making me pull for Yankees! Midwesterners, whatever.