SATLIMB

Note: This story starts out boring, but as always, it ends in me being a perv.




So I had some time to kill the other day. I had 45 minutes before I was going to go to a radio station event. Not for my company, but for my old company. I tried to explain to Pokey Pants that I needed to go there for a specific reason because two years had passed since I was "choired" and I needed to let them know something. (Definition? Choired: prounounced "kwy-ered" - I say I quit, they say I was fired. So I was choired.) Feel free to use my term.

I needed to let my old GM know this: that I was doing great and I loved my new job and had no current intention of leaving. I also needed to politely let him know that I didn't respect him one bit, but if the day came that he needed to hire me, I would consider it - but only on the grounds that it would be because I am talented and we would need each other to make money, and that I no doubt still thought zero of him as a man.

This confused Pokey Pants. It makes perfect sense to me. That is why she takes care of gunshot victims for a living, while I turn on a microphone and announce the gunshot victims for a living. She said she could never do what I do for a living, that it was too stressful. I said, "You save lives every day, and you would be scared of some job where they pay you to talk? You're crazy."

I couldn't make it clear to her that I was going to this event so I could run into my old boss so we could talk with each other, not as friends, but as two guys who don't care for each other, but still needed to re-break the ice, so it wouldn't be awkward when the day comes that he holds his nose and calls me and makes me an offer, and I hold my nose back and consider it. What's weird about that? He likes beer and country girls and so do I, so this stupid event his station was throwing at a bar in a hick town was perfect for us to run into each other and loathe each other.

But like I said, I had an hour to kill and I was too far from my house to go home. So I decided I would drive through my old college campus and go look at all the new buildings I had heard they just built. I planned on doing a driving tour to look at all the new parking deck and the new dormitories at the east end of the campus.

When I got to the new section of buildings and slowed down to about ten miles an hour, I saw this really cute girl walking by. I started thinking, "Mmmmmmm. Damn! Oh yeah. She's just mmmmm! I'd sure like to- mmmmm!"

Then I got distracted by another girl walking by and thought, "Whooooo boy! Hay-elll Yah! I'd just love to - MMmmm! Pffeww damn she's -!"

And this went on about ten more times. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Fuck New York, fuck Brazil, fuck Paris. Wilmington is the per capita hot chick capitol of Earth! It's hard to get stuff done here, I swear. I wish they'd just kick the girls out of town for two days every week so the rest of us guys could get on with our lives and be productive.

So after like the 13th round of me seeing a girl walking in front of a car that made me think, "Hubba Hubba Hell Yeah, Gimme Gimme, You are just, Mmmm," I suddenly had come to the end of the new section of buildings. That's when the sarcastic asshole that lives in my brain decided to belittle me with questions. Here's the conversation we had. He set me up good:

Sarcastic Asshole That Lives In My Brain: Man, those were some cute girls, weren't they?

Roth Wriscey: Yes they were! I want them all. I'm glad you were there to witness all the prettiness I just saw, too.

SATLIMB: Yeah, they were nice. So what'd you think about the new buildings?

RW: Huh?

SATLIMB: You know -he new architecture that you drove out here to look at?

RW: Oh - uh, yeah. Those buildings were, uh really cool.

SATLIMB: You didn't notice a single one did you?

RW: Not a one.

SATLIMB: You couldn't even tell me if they were brick or vinyl siding, could you?

RW: Nnnnope!

SATLIMB: What color they were?

RW: Not a chance!

SATLIMB: Private entrances or public entrances?

RW: Look, I have a problem! I know it! You know it! I never get tired of looking at girls! And when there are girls around, I can't not look at them. It is so much fun. They never get boring. I'm never like, "Man, I sure don't wanna check out some hot chicks today!" It is the only thing in life that is fun absolutely 100 percent of the time. Every girl I look at is a new one, and I'm never happier. So why don't you quit being a sarcastic asshole and just say what you want to say? Do I waste too much time looking at girls? Yes! Am I ever gonna stop? NO! So just shut up and enjoy them with me, or at least get out of my head, you sarcastic asshole! I know I didn't see any buildings. And I know if I drove through there again right now, I still wouldn't see any buildings! But you would! So why don't you climb out of my skull and go live in one of them since you love architecture so damn much, and leave me alone so I can look at girls!