Friday, April 24, 2009

My Life As Jack Tripper

I've had 7 girls live in this house over the last 3 years. If they are indicative of all girls (and they aren't), here's what I've learned about the smell-goods (girls).

Buy in Bulk?: Never! Why do that when you can buy all your food in very tiny individually packed and outrageously priced containers. Just because you're a hippie environmentalist, that doesn't mean you shouldn't purchase six tiny plastic yogurts instead of one big one!

Pregnancy tests?: Always leave them in the top of the garbage can in the common bathroom! That way the boy here can wonder a few things! Things like: "Is she pregnant or not?" "Did she luck out?" "Did she have an abortion?" "Is she about to tell me and the other girl here that she's having a baby?" "Oooh, which guy did it?" "Does he know?" "Did I have sex with her and forget that I did? Man, I hope not." "Why did she leave this where we'd surely see it?"

Charity?: Always sign up to be on the mailing list of every local co-op. It's empowering! (Whatever that means.) But under no circumstances are you supposed to ever give them money! Or even open up the mail from them! But don't ever throw it away! Keep it on the dining room table; that way you can kid yourself into thinking you will donate soon! It's empowering! And it's the thought that counts! Even if your thoughts are fucking crazy!

Having a bad day?: Then walk in front of the boy in a towel! Act like there is an urgent reason to get something from the living room immediately after your shower! And pretend you have no idea how much you're affecting him and his weiner! Sure the boy will try not to look - but he's a boy! He has to look. And you'll feel better! You still got it, Miss Thang!

Feel free to laugh and the boy and ridicule him about all the delightful sluts he sneaks in and out of the house. But if he so much as acknowledges the existence of that drummer you snuck in the other night, then give him that glare that says, "Hey, asshole. We're pretending that didn't happen. There is a double-standard - deal with it! A guy like you whoring around is hilarious. A girl like me slutting around is not a conversation topic. Did your parents not teach you this when you were a kid?"

Showers: The girls always say, "We'll be sweet and let the boy go first, since ours take so long. But seriously, dude, we are judging you. I mean, how clean can you really get in two minutes, you little stinker!"

Leftovers!: Bring them home everytime you go out to eat! But under no circumstances are you supposed to eat them. Especially salads. Salads are only brought home to take up precious fridge space and to die a painfully slow and bitterly cold wilting death. At least it will die side-by-side with it's best friend: A rotten plastic container of bleu cheese dressing.

Parents visiting?: Bongs get hidden in the boy's room. Vibrators get hidden in the other girl's room.

Cigarettes?: Look shocked and offended that the boy would ever offer you a cigarette if your mom is in the room. YOU HAVE NEVER SMOKED ONE CAMEL IN YOUR LIFE!

Do you eat fondu? Do you drink a lot of wine?: No and no. But don't let that stop you from buying 80 wine glasses and 40 dollar fondu set! It's fun just to know you can.

Cleaning the house? When you're gonna do it, do it all! Clean everything, even things that are already clean. Hell, you should even clean your bottles of cleaner! But don't ever clean because the house needs cleaning - that would be sane! You need to clean because of some other mood-altering aspect of your life that has nothing to with cleaning! After you've spent hours cleaning a house that maybe four of five people will ever see, you should remind yourself to never clean your car or maintain your lawn - since those are the things that the entire world gets to see. That would be crazy!

News: What's that? Don't watch the local news, it's boring! Don't watch the national news, it's also boring! Newspapers? C'mon! You're a grad student, you're smart enough, what could you possibly learn from a daily? But don't let your lack of news absorption ever stop you from expressing a silly opinion on political subject you know nothing about! It just "feels right" to feel the way you do about domestic issues, so let everyone know it, no matter how illogical your views are - you're a grad student, dammit! So you're right! Is there a new Gossip Girl on tonight?

This is only part one. I hope it was clear that I absolutely have loved living with girls. I just notice that they are amusingly absurd. I'm not pretending to know why. I don't even want to know why. I just want them to know that I notice. And I bet that in weirdass "girl world" that's more than enough. Freaks.

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