If I hadn't gotten kind of gay with my friend Brandon, then I would have been no friend at all. And no, I'm not ashamed of what I did. In fact, I'm proud. Here's what happened last week:
Brandon, my 24 year old pizza manager/womanizer friend, came into work and told us how he had spent the day before in the ER. Why? Oh, you're gonna love this shit!
He was skateboarding on a half-pipe at the skate park and went 7 feet up in the air without the board. When he came down, the board was waiting in an upright position... and went straight up his nuts.
Brandon said that it was news to him that when your nutsack splits open like his did, there is another layer of skin under there, so he didn't get to see his own balls. Damn, that would been cool. He said they stitched him up or something. He also injured his dick, but at least nothing had to be amputated. Here's what I said to him in front of everyone:
"Dude, I wanna see it. I want to see your dick and balls."
All the others guys at work heard me and were like, "Oooohh, that's gay."
I said, "Maybe a little. But if I'm suddenly gay, at least I'm not a fag like you guys. Because you guys are being total fags for not taking sympathy on our dear pal and looking at his junk. I want him to know he's not alone - that I feel his pain. And the only way to feel his pain is to see the injury - which in this case, is on his junk. Excuse me, for being a better friend than you guys."
Brandon smiled at me and said, "Come to my office, I wanna show you my dick!"
And show me his dick he di! He dropped his drawers and I bent down and inspected his shit from about 18 inches away while he navigated his dick and balls while telling the story and pointing out what happened to what. It felt gross, but it was necessary. And it looked really cool.
His left nut was black and blue and had a butterfly band-aid on it. And his dick was black.
I said, "No fucking for you, huh? How 'bout wacking? I can't sleep without unloading something first. Can you still do that?"
He said, "Oh, I wacked it about an hour ago. I just wanted to make sure I didn't jiz blood. I didn't. I'm cool."
And I'm cool for looking at my friend's dick. Not like those fags that were scared of some dude's dick.