Ran Dumb

I usually write with at least the mildest structure and mildest plan. Today I don't. I'm going to write what I want and let it spill out. I have no idea what's coming, either.

I wonder what Stephen King is doing right now. Probably something boring - like writing. Did you know he only takes off his birthday and July 4th. Every other day he is required to write six pages.

When I'm on a plane I look around for what girl I want to share a raft with if we crash. Then I remember that we are flying over land and I get all pissed off. Then we land and I'm even more pissed off. I pee a lot on airplane flights. That's because I drink a lot on airplane flights.

I think Marth MacCallum, from Foxnews, would be the perfect lady to replace that other lady who has been the spokeswoman in all commercials for all products involving women in the last fifteen years. I know you know which lady I'm talking about. She is about 45, tall and thin, and has long wavy blond hair. And she is always standing on the back of a sterile white stage with the product sitting to the side on top of a white mantle. When she speaks, she slowly starts walking towards towards the camera, usually in white pants. She hocks everything from yogurt to tampons. Unfortunately, she's getting old enough that she will soon be shilling metamucil and boniva. She seems like a respectable lady, but time gets us all, and it's time to pass the torch to someone like Martha. I'd buy a brand name folic acid pill if she recommended it. (Oh, if you still don't know who that long-time hot soccer mom spokeslady is for the last fifteen years, she's the one now doing commercials promoting the oil industry. She's pretty, but I don't wanna fuck'er. And I don't not wanna fuck'er, either. I just like her. But it's time.)

I'm confident that I can comprehend the word "myriad" when someone else uses it. But I'd be nervous to use it myself. I'll just stick with "a whole buncha."

Shooting at the holocaust museum today. If it turns out that people die in there today as a result of anti-semitism. Couldn't they just leave their bodies where they fell as a fitting, and also convenient, tribute? I can say that. Not cuz I'm a Jew. But because I love Jews. Except for their food. Sorry, John, I don't care if your a master chef - gefilte fish is still gefilte fish. I'd rather eat my own ass... while dooky was coming out of it.

My family has a Jewish Sadr every year. (Don't get on me about the Jewish spelling. Remember: Not an actual Jew. Seriously, my family is a mix of Baptists, Presbyterians, and Methodists. And we're all Southern. Every damn one of us. Except one. So why do we have a sadr? Because my my cousin Lewis has a "domestic partner" for the last thirty years who is from Manhattan and is very Jewish. He gets lonely for some Hebrewness down here. So every year, he cooks the Sadr and we are all Jews for a day and celebrate like hell. I hope Jesus isn't mad. Wait, he's a Jew. I bet if he was walking around today, unclever little college girls would all deem themselves clever everytime they called him "Jewsus." I hate hybrid words.

Know what I do like. Girls that flirt. Girls don't flirt like they did in the 40's. I wasn't around then, but I've seen the movies. I guess the language was more colorful, because the background wasn't. Everything was black and white: except for the sex. I'm sure Sammy Davis got honkified backstage, but I bet he had to keep a low profile about it.

I'm glad I'm not married. But I'm glad I've got a girl around that's always cock-blocking my fun, too. Because, these last few years, I was getting really good at being really bad. It wasn't so much that I was good. It was that other men had gotten really dumb, and were making me look really good by comparison. They had lowered the bar so far, that all I had to do was show up in public and not piss on a jukebox or speak in some trendy fem-guy voice about how sensitive I was and I'd be golden. I'd hate to be a girl. Even the best guys suck. I know. I'm one of them. I suck ass. But I'm way better than so many other guys. Those dudes simulataneously, and accidentally, make girls cry and leave themselves celibate. Dumbasses.

I wish I was a baseball player. I'd play first base for the Braves. I loved First. I love baseball. I would have been one hell of a second basebman or shortstop since I like to dive around and get dirty, but God made me a lefty. Lefties can't be catcher or play infield, except First. Maybe First prepped me for radio. When you're chatting with a baserunner that you're holding on first, you have a short time to get your point across to a guy who is about to runaway. And while you're chatting him up, you both understand that you're really out for yourselves: he wants to score and you want him out. On radio, when you talk, they want change the dial, and you want to go work for a different station. That was a stupid analogy. I could talk about baseball for hours. It's like pussy, without all the distracting pussy.

Yeah, I said "pussy." I think the word looks more vulgar in type than it sounds when you say it. I kind of sound like a redneck when I say it: "Puuuuuh-see." Why is that? I refuse to say "titties." That is a super redneck word. Every hick I know cannot say "strip club." They have to say "titty bar." I don't like strip clubs. All the men around me look really pissed at the strippers. Why? They are naked. Love them. Girls that go to dick bars don't do that. They scream and yell and giggle at wieners and try to figure out which guys on stage are real life wiener-wanters.

Patty Duke played twins on that show. Now she's bi-polar. Is that ironic? Or was it conditioning? I don't really give a shit. Is Mackenzie Astin gay? Why do girls like him? And Scott Bakula? And Giovanni Ribise? My sister watches dream for an insomniac every week. I bet it's gay. Does Jennifer Aniston only play "Jennifer Aniston" in movies? She's never put on a big fake nose or portrayed a crack-whore in Victorian times. Good, I wouldn't watch that, either.