Tuesday, June 9, 2009

My Friend The Ass Grabber

I was walking with a new friend from one bar to the other last month. As we were managing our way through the crowded street, he said, "Dude, I almost had a random ass grab go down!"

I said, "Really? Some girl tried to grab your ass and missed? Usually when some strange girl wants to get my ass, nothing stops her from getting her way."

Dude looked at me all confused and said, "No, I meant that I was almost able to grab some random girl's ass that was walking by, but I couldn't quite reach her. Really? Girls you don't even know grab your ass?"

Ok, by this point, we were both confused by each other. Dude couldn't fathom that random girls I have never ever met have been squeezing my bum without asking for about 15 years. And while (for reasons unknown to me or my ass) that's very true, the more imporant question was: "How in the fuck did I get to be friends with a guy who grabs girls' asses on the street?"

I'm sorry, but there is an acceptable double standard here. You know why? I'll give you the core answer as to why it's okay for a girl to butt-squeeze some unknown guy; but it's not okay for guys to approach girls the same way. Here's why:

All men on earth want to be touched everywhere on their bodies by all girls at all times any where on earth at any time of day.

And women know this. So if they feel like being so nice and putting a grab on a gluteal, everyone's gonna be happy.

But girls for some reason have this thing called "morality." They also have something called "self-respect." And most of all, they have something called "I just don't get off by having men I don't know squeezing my ass without my blessing." Prudes.

But seriously, not grabbing strange girls asses is a policy I have always abided by. Not because I'm great, but because of a thing called "THAT'S HOW YOUR SUPPOSED TO FUCKING ACT!"

Do I want to grab every girl's ass I see? Just about. But do I? No. And that's why I couldn't believe that I was hanging out with a guy who is one of these people. I'm used to always having to oppose the strange douche bag grabbing one of the ladies I'm with as we walk on the street. Suddenly, I was accidentally on a team with this guy!

Rather than take the time to explain to Dude how many nice girls there are out there that will not only LET you grab their asses, but will also let you hang on to their asses and do all sorts of other dirty stuff to them (provided you buy them shit, give them compliments, do stunts for them and listen to what they say at least 9% of the time) - I instead just tried to politely ask him for sure. I calmly said, "Dude, are you really one of those guys that grabs girls asses on the street?"

Suddenly realizing that he had sorely misjudged my take on grabbing stranger ladies, he tried to water it down by saying this: "I mean, I was only gonna grab her in a way where she wouldn't think it was on purpose. She'd think I was just trying to, you know, slide by in the crowd."

That's even worse! If you are gonna be an ass-grabber, you should at least remove the greasy-residue-doubt that is left on and in a girl when she is left saying to herself: "Wait, did that guy, or did that guy not, mean to grab my butt? Now I'm even more disgusted, because I'm not even sure if I should feel icky or not! Why didn't that asshole at least look me in the eye like a weirdo and say "Yeah, Baby! You like that!" Now I'm just left to wonder. It couldn't have been an accident. Could it? No? I don't know. DAMMIT!"

(At least that's how I'm guessing how girls would react to an unclear maybe/maybe not cop-a-feeler guy. I could be wrong. I've gotta be wrong one day.)

So rather than just end the friendship, I made our new relationship clear. I said, "Look, I've got your back when we're out together. That's how it has to be. If someone fucks with you, they have to deal with me, too. Except for one thing: If some dude or some girl punches you for a random ass grab that you pull on her... then you had that coming. I cannot defend you over that. With that one, you're on your own."

He said that was cool. So I guess we're cool? Maybe? Maybe not? I'm not sure how I feel about it. I feel kind of icky over being friends with an ass-grabber guy.

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