Thursday, June 18, 2009

I hate Jimmy Fallon more than I hate the person I hate the most (which is Jimmy Fallon.)

There's a lot of serious crap going on these days. Terrorism, Marxism, Ignorancism. You name the 'ism' and it's been shooting it's jizm. But I'll tell you the global threat that has been bothering me the most: Jimmy Fallon is still on television.Don't get me started on how much that guy sucks and how much I hate him. Oops, too late. Here goes.Originally, I felt like the world's smartest guy, because a year ago I proudly stated that whoever picked Jimmy Fallon to host Late Night on NBC had to be the world's biggest moron. While this statement has been scientifically proven (by scientists, no less!) to be true, I then remembered that I was already the world's smartest guy, even before I proclaimed that Jimmy Fallon would be the worst talk show host in the history of talk show hosting.The thing that puzzles me is that this dork is still on the air after three months. He must have a picture of the CEO of NBC putting DDT into the IV's of babies in the ICU. All acronymic fun aside, I'm pretty sure this Jimmy Fallon has some Denzel (black male) on someone in charge of whether his show lives or dies. Otherwise, it would have been cancelled before it began. Unless, UNLESS, today's college kids are so stupid that they actually watch this turd-tard and think he's funny. Are the youth of today really that dumb? I mean, I know that most girls this age talk like they're girls on The Hills and most guys this age talk like they're girls on The Hills, but even people this dumb can't think that Jimmy Fallon is funny, can they? No way. Anyone that dumb would have already choked on a glowstick by now. And I should know, because I just typed the word glowstick. (What?) I don't know, either. Let's get back on our subject: how Jimmy Fallon blows toad choads on gravel roads until he fills his nodes with their loads. (If you disagree with that last non-non-sequiter then you sir, have never seen his show. It's that bad.)Late Night With Jimmy Fallon is the worst show I've ever watched on purpose. It is Must-shaudenfruede-TV! I watch him to watch suck. And he sucks as bad as my spelling of "shaudenfruede." He's so bad. He makes me feel like the Randy Quaid character in Major League who sits in the crowd and boos the Indians the whole movie, since I only tune in to watch him fail. But at least that Quaid character, deep-down, wanted the Indians to do well - he had just had his heart broken for too many seasons to open himself up to belief. This is not how I feel about Jimmy Fallon. I want him to fail. When he sucks, he deserves it, because he's too up his own ass to even realize how much he sucks. On the occasional moment that he is actually funny (about once a week for one line), he makes me even madder, because it reminds me of that "even a broken clock is right twice a day" theory. Then I look at my actual broken clock and get more pissed because that one is only right zero times a day. (It's a digital clock, people!) And there' s no way that Jimmy Fallon is funnier than my broken alarm clock. That would be down right "ALARMING!" (Puns. The worst form of humor... except for any form of humor that comes from Jimmy Fallon.) One more thing about my broken alarm clock. The only way it could ever be right would be if there was suddenly no time at all, which would hopefully mean there would at least be no more Jimmy Fallon Show. Sure there would be no you and there would be no me, and there'd be no we. But at least there would be one thing that we (you and me) would not have - and we'd not have it together! And that thing is the Jimmy Fallon Show. He's so not funny. I'll give you a quick list of run-on reasons why he is the worst talk show host of all time. His jokes aren't funny. When the joke bombs (and it always does), he's not skilled enough to make a joke about how the joke was a terrible joke. (That's comedy 101. Hell, that's comedy One-Oh-Dumb.) He says the word "awesome" way too much. (And I used to love that word. Me being actually awesome and all I had to use it all the time. Now I've had to synonomize and describe myself with words like "superior" just to distance myself from JiffyPop Fallon. (Why did I call him Jiffy Pop? Because I want to wrap his show in foil, place it on my stove and make it explode. Then I want to put in a bowl and serve it to my friends, but just the ones that like Jimmy Fallon. Just kidding - I have already defriended - in real life- everyone who likes Jimmy Fartknob.) His skits suck. He thinks his already crappy skits would be enhanced by putting audience members in the mix. When your skits suck with professional actors in them, what makes you think putting non-actors in them will make it better? Retardation, that's what. Jimmy Fallon is, himself the worst actor ever - and he, according to SAG, is a professional actor! I am so sick of the way he thinks it's funny to break character and giggle at himself. It's only funny if you absolutely can't help it. Not only can he help it, he thinks we're too stupid to know that. We're not that dumb. You know why? Because we're not Jimmy Fallon. I can't believe how proud he is that he can't act. He's an actor. That's shameful. I can't act, either. So you know what I don't do? I don't act. It's the same reason that John Goodman doesn't model speedos and Evander Holyfield doesn't practice law: because they'd suck at it. And this is the same reason Jimmy Fallon shouldn't be on television. I can't believe I'm about to say this - get ready: JIMMY FALLON IS EVEN WORSE THAN CARSON DALY.There, I said it. This concludes Why I Hate Late Night With Jimmy Fallon: Part 1. (Yes, it's only Part One. Now stop picturing Dan Connor in man-floss, you perverts.)

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