Saturday, May 9, 2009

My Fart

I wouldn't normally write about a fart. But this was no normal fart. It may have been the most violent fart of all time. And it happened to me yesterday.

I was walking out of the Pizza Place and to my car to deliver a pizza. As I got close to my car, I stopped to rip a fart in the parking lot. And rip I did.

It seemed like a normal fart at first. Then this awful burning sensation went up and around both of my butt cheeks. It left me frozen and burning all at once. I couldn't move, but my butt cheeks were burning. The most intense burning lasted about 8 to 10 seconds. Then it tapered off and stayed at a merely painful level for the rest of the night. Yes, my butt burned for the rest of the night - not my butthole. My butt hole was fine, it was my buttcheeks that burned. I'll admit it, I even stuck my hand down my pants to see if I had sharted them - I hadn't. This was all from a fart.

When I got home, I put Preparation H all over my inner-butt cheeks. They burned in a line on each side from my butt hole to near the top of my butt crack. I've never had a hemerroid, I just keep the H around, because it's our Wriscey Family Wonder Drug. I use it for days when my butt cheeks have rubbed each other raw from walking all day. Mom uses it for cracks in her feet. And I can't remember why my sister uses it, but it's not for hemorroids.

Anyway, I went out drinking with Pokey Pants and told her how that one singular fart had torn my butt cheeks up. She asked to see it. I told her no. I said, "I'm not bending over to show you the inner-workings of my ass and how it was affected by a fart!" She said, "But I'm a nurse, I need to see it......Fine! I'm just gonna look at it when you go to sleep."

God help me, I tried to outlast her, but apparently I fell asleep first. And I was drunk and h___.

The next morning Pokey Pants said, "I don't believe your ass!"

I said, "I don't believe you saw my ass. You're lying, right? You didn't look at my butthole and all when I was sleeping did you? I'd have felt it."

She laughed and said, "You don't believe me? Then stick your hand in your butt crack."

I stuck my hand in my butt crack and my eyes got big.

Pokey laughed harder and said, "You think you pooped your pants don't you."

I nodded my head yes. I was stunned.

Why did I shit myself? How did Pokey know about it?

Pokey kept laughing and said, "You didn't shit yourself. That's lotion. But that's proof that I got all up in your ass! I told you I would! After I looked at your poor butt, I felt the need to lotion it up. Your welcome."

Then Pokey gave me her diagnosis.

She said, "I seriously don't believe what I saw. That was all done from a fart? Those two long raised pink lines got there from a stinker? Wow!"

When I swore it was all from a fart, Pokey said, "You know I see shit that looks like that all the time. Just not on asses. I have no doubt then what happened to you. I know what it is. But you're not gonna believe it when I tell you...................."

".....................You're fart burned you!"

I can believe that. I lived through that fart! I couldn't forget that fart if I wanted to. That fart will haunt me forever. That thing burned, man. I mean, for real. I don't mean it burned like a match. I mean, that shit burned by a campfire. And I've got the scars to prove it. Something is way wrong with my ass.

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