Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Unnnecccessarrry and stupid

I was leaving my day job as a newspaper reporter in Surf City to go to my other day job as a radio guy in Wilmington. On this particular day, I was to be the fill-in news/traffic/ and weather boy on a couple of radio stations. So the irony of me almost dying in a car wreck on my way to broadcast the location of deadly car wrecks was just one of the funny things about to happen to me in a matter of seconds.

I was on highway 17 behind two girls that were doing what every idiot driver in this lovely part of North Carolina likes to do: they directly beside each other!

That's so fucking unnecessary! And stupid.

Looking beyond them, I saw a big truck broken down in the emergency lane about 1500 feet ahead. Like a normal person, I moved over to the left lane to give the guy some room, in case he needed it.

Like every other idiot driver in this lovely part of the state, Miss Right Lane didn't even see the guy. She was becoming so unnecessary. And she was already stupid.

So as I was in the left lane, behind the two side-by-side girls approaching the part of the highway with the broken down truck on the side, I was pretty sure what was going to happen.

As we got about 75 feet from the truck in the emergency lane, Miss Right Lane predictably freaked out like that truck had just appeared and slowly swerved over (of course without looking) into the left lane that was occupied by Miss Left Lane.

It was so unnecessary for her to move over at that point because the truck wasn't crossing the line into her lane. It just would have been polite for her to have done it earlier. And it was so very stupid of her to have swerved into the left lane, since she had been riding directly beside the other stupid girl for two fucking miles! But she did it anyway.

Somehow, Miss Left Lane and Miss Right Lane (who were both in the left lane) had managed to be within inches of each other, but hand't actually made contact yet. What was even better?

They were both unaware of it. I was aware of it before it happened, and they had no clue during the actually happening of the damn thing. Neither one knew of the other.

I knew at least some minor dumb shit was gonna happen so I started putting mild pressure on the brake. However, I saw it unnecessary to believe some major shit was really about to go down. Looking back, that was stupid of me to believe any Eastern North Carolina drivers would have any lick of sense. Great! Thanks to them, I was now also in on being unnecessary and stupid!

It was funny at first to watch these girls look left and right into each other's cars catch the realization of each other's existence at the exact same moment. What wasn't funny was when these two dumb girls both slammed there brakes on that I estimate took there cars down from 70 miles an hour to a nearly instant 30 miles per hour! Stupid and Unneccessary! Stupid and Unnecessary! All they had to do was swerve apart and go two different speeds. There was no need to squeal to a near stop on an open highway as a team! You know why? Because the person that got fucked was me!

Because I assumed they weren't extreme morons, I had to check the median, and then take my chances since I now had no chance of not plowing into at least Miss Left Lane and maybe Miss Right Lane, too.

So the next thing I know, I am taking my Ford Mustang through an unkept flower field that quickly turned into an unkept field of weeds. At first it was fun. I remember thinking, "Damn, these flowers smell great. I love spring!" (Seriously.)

Then I looked over to realize how ridiculous it was that I was in a field and still passing a girl on a paved highway. And I looked in her window and was really mad that she never even saw me passing her five feet to her left in a field. She had no idea! How dumb can you be? The answer: that dumb! Thanks to her I just took a sports car 250 feet through a field!

Then it started to get tough. I was going through loose dirt with tight steering. I'd say 7 out of 10 drivers would've lost control. (I really think it's 9 of 10, but I'll be nice.) I hung on and fought the cars desire to freak out on me and came to a stop just left of the left lane.

I was amazed that I didn't hit any random median items like a drink cooler or auto parts or shit like that you usually see in places like that. I was not amazed at my great driving -that is forever. I can't fix'em. But damn, I can run'em!

As I was waiting to get on the back on the road (Miss Left and Right Lanes had re-passed me.) I saw that the Bronco behind me was going to let me back on the highway. I thought man, "They just got a hell of a show!

Just as I was pressing the gas to leave the median, I looked over and saw something I had never seen laying in a median. Something I would have run over if I had proceeded ten feet further through the field.

It was a dead bear!

A dead adult bear.

Every part of him was squished except his skull. I had no idea bears lift in this part of the state! Beach bears? Seriously? Wow.

Once I got back up to speed and got in the right lane, the Bronco passed by me and a 12 year Mexican fat kid gave smiled and gave me an "Arsenio Dogg Pound" to compliment my skill. I wanted to smile back and acknowledge him, but instead I figured I should do the adult thing and glare at him a look that says, "Boy, I just returned from hell," so he would take auto safety seriously when he grows up.

30 miles later, I got to the radio station and told a sales guy what happened and all about the bear and he said, "Really? Terri reported that bear accident yesterday. The city was supposed to dispose of it properly. Those bastards threw it in the median where they thought no one would see it. Sons of bitches."

The sons of bitches didn't think the only person to find their improperly disposed of bear would be the other radio guy who reports dead bears. Weird.

P.S. I have not the energy or the concern to learn to spell unnecessary properly. Who cares, it's stupid.

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