Thursday, May 14, 2009

I saw this happy fat chick walking by me pushing a cart full of food with her mom, and I noticed something bizarre. She was really happy! Even though she was really, really fat! (More on that a little later.)
This girl was one of those weird looking fat chicks that was super-fat, but still had a shape to her. You know how most obese people turn into some sort of shape that is a mix between a gumball and a meatball and maybe a little bit doo doo ball? Well this fat chick wasn't like that. She still had defined body parts like hips and legs and shoulders and things. It was weird. Don't get me wrong. She wasn't hot. In fact, she was very not hot, I'm just saying, at 300 pounds you could still tell her belly from her boobs. It was so freaking perplexing!
So back to her being happy. This chick had a glow. She was just beaming. It wasn't a regular-happy, it was a super-happy; a specific super-happy. Then I realized what it was:
"Oh my gosh, somebody is boning her. And not only is someone boning her, that person also loves her... a lot."
You'd think that would be a good thing. You think wrong. My advanced super-simean brain realized this was actually a TERRIBLE thing. I know you're gonna going to be all simple-minded and try to cock-block my reasoning before I explain to you why this fat girl being loved is a bad thing. You'll say, "Oh, come on, Withers. Can you just not be so damn, you know, "Withersy" for once and let things just be as they are? Can you just admit for once that something really is just the way it is on the surface? Why can't you just see things the way the rest of us do and simply admit that a fat girl being loved is a good thing?"
I'll tell you why I can't do that. Because it's not true! Now, if you'll shut up and quit preaching at me for a second I will explain why I'm right and you're wrong. And ultimately, why I am an overall better person than you, as well.
OK, think about it. This fat happy girl at Wal-Mart who is receiving wieners and love - she's feeling good about herself, right? And what do all people do when they are feeling good about themselves? They keep fucking living the way they are living. You're not gonna change it up when you've got a good thing.
So if that's the case (and it is) then what's going to happen to our extremely-loved and over-sexed superblob? She's gonna keep doing what she's doing. That's right, she's gonna keep eating. And we all know that when you keep on eating, you keep on fatting! And the fatter you get the more you risk catching terrible diseases. When you go fat, you increase your risk of diabetes, heart disease, ugliness, cancer, overall smelliness, and thyroid problems.
Do you really want our happy fat girl to lose a foot? Do you! Yes, I know that technically counts as losing weight, but it's still not right. And think about this, if this overly happy fat chick keeps being treated like an actual human being by her boyfriend, there's a chance she could wind up married and pregnant with his baby. I know that sounds good, but remember, the baby's Mom is a fat chick - so if the baby crawls out the front door it's over! Her fat mom will never be able to catch her and she'll end up being raised by river rats. Do you want rat babies roaming your yard at night? And let's say the baby doesn't escape, her mom's still a fat, fat, fatty and will likely die an early death due to a heart attack due to the strain caused on her heart by a strenous session of sitting. Now the baby is motherless and left alone with her dad. And lord knows that guy can't raise her! I mean, a dude that likes superfat chicks obviously can't be trusted to make decisions in serious matters like child care. And besides, he's the reason we're in this predicament in this first place.
If he had just acted like a normal guy and ignored the hell out of the entire existence of this fat girl, one of two things would have happened A: She would remain fat and die early and alone with a big tub of molasses, but no lonely offspring. Or B: She would do like a normal girl and hate herself for a while and then get her ass to the gym (or barf her way there) until she was in good enough physical condition that she was now deserving of the love of a man. And as an added bonus, her babies would never become river rats.
So inconclusion: it is immoral to love fat people. We should shun them for their own good. If not for them, at least do it for their children. River rats, people, river rats. I know everything. You heartless people that love the fat disgust me. How do you sleep at night?


  1. Here's a joke for you: "How do you find the hole in a fat girl?" You roll her in flour and look for the wet spot. GROSS!

  2. Not to change the subject, but kind of like when you are looking for a black guy's asshole. How do you find it? Roll him in flour and tell him to fart! :)

    Fat chicks need lovin too, but have to agree with you. Fortunately I'm a skinny chick... yes, I like to brag. So, when I see a fat chick I always feel sorry for them, but most of them can help being that way! Especially when you see them shoving 2 big mac's and a coke down their throat!

    Hugs - Tiff