Sunday, December 28, 2008

Athlete's Anus?

We had a smaller Christmas than normal this year, but that didn't stop the usual weirdos from being weirdos.

When we were unwrapping presents, my sister ripped open a package addressed to her that turned out to be an individual roll of toilet paper. It wasn't listed as being from anyone, and no one owned up to being the giver of the gift. This was no big deal, we figured it was the beginning of some hilarious master plan by my mom. She always does funny things, like give us all toy guns and then tell us where the bullets are, forcing me and my grown sisters to knock each other over while we race to the bullets - because if we don't get to the bullets first the other two will shoot the shit out of the other one. That's the sort of fun stuff my mom sets up on Christmas. We figured the toilet paper was part of a grand comical scheme to be revealed later.

A few minutes later I also received one roll of toilet paper as a gift. Still nobody said anything. Then my other sister opened her toilet paper. Finally someone spoke. It was my mom's crabby 85 year old live-in boyfriend. Let me give you some background on him first.

Him and my mom have been dating and living in my childhood house for five years. He's mostly a nice guy, but he likes to micromanage the house and make you feel like a burden when you visit. He watches everything everyone does so he can be the first to tell you that you are using the wrong drinking glasses or that you need to take your shoes off, and he watches to make sure you don't double dip your coffee spoon into the sugar bowl. He loves nitpicking everything and complaining that everything is messy and germy. And this was the guy that was about to speak up now that we had all recieved our Christmas toilet paper.

He apparently had my mom wrap these rolls of toilet paper up so he could lecture us all about germs (on Christmas Day!) as we held them in our hands. He started speaking to us in that condescending parable-way that old men do. It's a tone that old men think is effective, but all it really does is make you think they are petty and frivolous and you wish they would just speed the story the fuck up so you can go back to not being affected by it. Here's what he said to us:

"At Fort Dix in 1943, the service men were all coming down with the same condition. They all had athlete's foot of the anus. No one could figure out why. Then the cause of the anal problems was finally discovered: the men weren't putting the toilet paper on the holders. They were just setting it on the floor. Because of this, the fungus from their feet would hit the floor, then jump from the floor to the toilet paper that rested on it, then they would wipe their ass with the fungus and get athlete's foot on their asses. YOU ALL DO THIS! You all put toilet paper on the sink instead of the holder. I needed to use this time to teach you guys how to properly put the toilet paper in the right place."

Yes, he really fucking said all that... to grown adults... who don't fucking live there anymore! And he was really fucking serious. Me and my sister looked at each other during this "hygiene lecture" trying not to laugh at the absurdity. Not only was it stupid. It was unnecessary. Here' s why: no one at my house ever leaves toilet paper on the sink. I lived in that house 18 years. Not me, my mom or either one of my sisters ever don't put the toilet paper on the holder. I can't recall ever seeing one roll on the sink, much less the fucking floor. We all have bad backs in my family - it would kill us to have to bend over to pick up toilet paper off the fucking floor.

About thirty minutes after this lecture, my sister had a moment of convenience make her look like one hell of a detective. She said to the rest of us, "I went to the bathroom a few minutes ago and we were coming to the end of a roll. Then I went back just now and the roll is gone and there is a new one sitting on the sink. You know who I saw go in there in between my trips to the bathroom? Yep, it was Mr. Lecture Man! It was old Santa Claus balls himself who left the TP on the sink! He's the one doing it, and then he's forgetting that he did it, and he blames all of us! This is stupid!"

It was stupid. Unbelievably stupid. Almost unbelievable at all. I swear it happened. I got some weirdos in my family, man. They aren't athletes, but they sure can be anuses.


  1. OMG... did you guys say anything to him? Did your Mom say anything? That is crazy! My Grandma is a little loopy herself. She is 90 and is about to lose her mind! So, I know what you are going through with all of that!

  2. Athlete's anus... interesting and funny as hell!