"You guys do realize that we all just had the stupidest conversation, don't you? I know I'm the one that started it, but I want to be the first to admit that we just spent five or six minutes enjoying a conversation that was so dumb, that it should have ended after five or six seconds."
And that's what I said to my co-workers at the pizza place last week after we had this conversation:
Me: Hey guys! Do you think that if some asshole with too much money came up and offered you a million dollars a year to stand on a hill and blow a horn and yell "RI-CO-LAAAA" all day that you could do it?
Andy: Hell yeah, I'd do it. That's the easiest job ever!
Will: And you get a million dollars a year for doing that easy job? Fuck yeah, man! Fuck yeah! I'd totally do it.
Andy: Wait - not that this would stop me, but would I be standing on the hill with another dickhead just like in the commercial or would I be blowing the horn and yelling "Ricola" all by myself all day?
Me: You have to alternate between horn blows and yelling "RI-CO-LAAAA" all by yourself all damn day. And you have to do it 8 hours a day, five days a week by yourself at the top of a hill no matter what the weather. And you have to wear the weird hat and the knickers just like the dudes in the ad.
Will: Do I get dental, medical and vacation?
Me: I'll give you two weeks of vacation to be used whenever you want. But I'm already paying you a million dollars, I think you can afford your own damn dental and medical.
Will: I think by law you still have to offer me a medical plan.
Me: Fine. You can have your damn company insurance plan, but if you get clumsy and fall down that damn hill while yelling "ricola" or if you accidentally shove that weird horn up your butt, I will contest your workers comp claims.
Will: Then I think I could do it. I'd take the job yelling "RI-CO-LA" at the top of a hill.
Me: You don't think you would eventually freak out and lose your mind yelling "RI-CO-LA" all day?
Andy: I KNOW I'd go insane... but I'd still take the job. That's a million bucks man! I'd just use some of that money to go see a therapist. She'd be all like "So why are you here?" And I'd be all like, "What do you mean "Why am I here? I've been yelling goddamned ricola for a goddamned year straight! Why do you think I'm here you stupid bitch! Help me, I'm losing my fucking mind!"
Me: Do you realize that you were just simultaneously a women's libber and a misogynist at the same time? You were open minded enough to make your hypothetical-therapist a woman, but you were misogynistic enough to immediately call her a bitch.
Andy: I guess the thought of yelling ricola all day got to me.
Me: "You guys do realize we all just had the stupidest conversation, don't you? I know I'm the one who started it, but I want to be the first to admit that we just spent five or six minutes enjoying a conversation that was so dumb, that it should have ended after five or six seconds."