Wednesday, December 24, 2008

My Impending Death

Enjoy what I'm about to write. Once my big sister finds out I write on here, I will have to take this down and she will murder me.

Every holiday, we fear that this is the year she will finally poisons us over dinner. It's not funny. Well, actually it is. But it doesn't make it any less true. She is a super-diagnosed bi-polar. She throws full beer bottles in and around swimming pools and swears she didn't do it the next day when you show her. She tries to break in tiny kitchen windows a midget couldn't fit through while you're sleeping. She sucker punches your nose and makes it bleed on a weekly basis for seven years due to its' new shape from the punch (that's my nose, of course. Bled today actually. She bites your arm and leave a bite so hard that even her lips were imprinted on it for two years and it turns black all the way up to your elbow and they put you on 500 dollar anti-biotics for the infection. Do you want me to keep going? I've got about 50 more things like this. (I'll save the peanut butter attack for another time.)

Anyway, I got the bright idea to beat my sister to the punch and drug her this Christmas. (Only I didn't plan to drug for death, just for sleep. I was planning to give her Benadryl. Then I realized she might drive home and pass out on the highway so I reluctantly changed my mind.)

So I told my other sister about my nixed-benadryl plan and she said, "Wow you're late to that party." You've never drugged her before? She was acting nuts at her own party and breaking shit so I mixed four benadryl in her drink. She said, "It tastes funny and is too fizzy." But I told her she was just drunk so she drank it and she went to bed and everyone else had a good time at her party once she left it."

So I told another person who knows my sister about how my other sister drugged her. She said,"Wow. You've never drugged her before? I thought we all have. She was acting crazy at my house once and breaking stuff. And we remembered that she said she hated ritalin because it calms her down. So we spiked her drink with it. It made her weird, but at least calm weird. You've seriously never drugged her? What's wrong with you? She's crazy - sometimes you gotta knock her out."

So that's the story I can leave up until my sister tracks me down on the internet. Merry Christmas all! If I live through mine, I'll tell you all about it. Drug them mildly before they drug you severely!

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