Trust no one today, no one. If you are reading our weekly edition of the Topsail Advertiser on the first day it comes out (Thursday,) then you are likely to avoid tragedy. If you are reading this after Thursday, then we are so sorry for what may have happened to you. Before I tell you why you need to trust no one today, let me tell you what happened to some other people who ignored the warning of the day.
The things that can happen you today can range from the mildly inconvenient situation to the most embarassing debacle. Every year on a day like today, a local woman named Mindy asks her husband, Baxter, to fix her a glass of water. But when Baxter turns on the faucet to fill up the cup, the nozzle doesn't pour water into the cup, it instead sprays water all over Baxter's shirt and face. Inexplicably, a piece of plastic-wrap taped over part of the spiggot had caused the drenching. But no one is sure why. All that is known is that things like this happen on this particular day.
Water-faucets accidents are just tip of the iceberg when it comes to bad things that can happen to you today. One time, my friend Yvonne ran into the bedroom of her older sister, who was sleeping, and yelled, "The house is on fire!" Since her sister wasn't wearing clothes she wrapped herself only in a towel and ran out wearing next to nothing. But the house turned out not to be on fire! And the neighbors were actually in a good mood, since they were laughing at the poor girl that was now standing in the front yard nearly naked. Why would Yvonne say the house was on fire when it wasn't? Nobody knows. All that is known is that things like this always seems to happen on days like today.
When I tell you to trust no one today, I don't just mean people you encounter in person. I mean people that call you on the phone, people that you hear on the radio, or even people that write articles in publications. On a day like today, individuals aren't the only ones that can fall victim to the strange phenomenon that is today, sometimes large portions of the public can have an unfortunate incident. You may remember an article written in Sports Illustrated in 1985 (on a day much like today) about a baseball player named Sidd Finch. The article claimed that the previously unheard-of New York Mets pitcher could throw a baseball almost 170 miles an hour. This excited several of the most skeptical people on Earth: New Yorkers. Still, the day would win again, when for some reason, it was revealed that not only could Sidd Finch not throw a baseball that fast - Sidd Finch wasn't even a real person. No one knows why such things happen on a day like today; but if you'd like to hear more about why you need to trust no one today, come out the annual Topsail Island April Fool's Day Parade and I'll explain it to you. The parade starts at 4 p.m. at the Surf City Community Center. See you then.