My friend looks like she is most likely about to go through an unexpected divorce after an otherwise great three year marriage. Her stupid husband is about to getted steam-cleaned because she makes, and always has made, all the money. He had a good life, but he's wanting to run. When she told me about it, she said, "Roth Wriscey, I am so annoyed by all the pity I'm getting. It's not pity time - it's business time. Just promise me you'll be the one person to make me laugh about this and not give me all that bullshit about how bad you feel for me."
I agreed to her demand - on one condition. I said, "I won't give you any obnoxious sympathy, since you asked, as long as you do know that I do want to."
So I listened to her for a while and she said, "I gotta get this done. There's no time for me to grieve."
I said, "You're damn right! Cuz grievin' is for Steven. And last I checked, your name ain't Steven!"
A minute later, as she talked about how she had to drain the bank accounts of all the money that only she earned, she said, "I don't even have time to cry."
I said, "Yeah, cuz cryin' is for Brian. And last I checked, your name ain't Brian!"
She laughed again.
Then she said, "I'm sorry if I'm moaning about this."
I said, "Shit, you're not moaning. Moanin' is for Conan, and thank God, your name most certainly isn't Conan."
If you've got any other good formulaic name-things to go with this divorce, please share. And if your name is Brian, Steven or Conan; please forgive me. Your names are just conveniently comedic for my friend at this time. And if you still have a problem with it, quit crying, grieving, and moaning, because she isn't.