Haji Won't Send You To Voice Mail

(I'll finish the broken back story this week. But I have to take a sanity laugh and talk about some funny people I know. You'll laugh at this one, I promise.)

My friends are stupid funny. I love those bastards.

I called my main man American Matt last night. He lives in New Mexico now and spends a lot of time working in Texas, as well. I called him because the UNC game was on and I was pretty sure he was missing being back in North Carolina while watching the game. I don't even like Carolina - I'm a Duke fan. (For those of you that don't know - at least half of all people from North Carolina have a least favorite team... and that team is North Carolina. Fuck Carolina! I hate them. But American Matt loves them. I prefer to pull for that team of Yankees in Durham known as the Duke Blue Devils. (Everyone that attends Duke here in North Carolina is actually from New Jersey, so I really have no idea why a Southerner like me loves them to death, but I do.)

So I called Matt and said, "Let me guess, you're at a sports bar watching the Carolina game that nobody in Texas gives a flying shit about. And I bet you and your brother douchebagged out and put on all your Chapel Hill gear to wear to the bar to annoy people who don't give a shit about some basketball team from North Cackalackee."

He said, "Actually, you're close. We decided to wait until tomorrow's game to dress up like a bunch of Carolina assholes in tar heels jerseys and hats and shit. Everyone here cares about the Baylor game and the Longhorns and shit like that. They don't give a damn about our game that's on the littlest TV in the bar, so we're gonna act like it's the biggest thing ever and scream like hell and make them hate us."

So before I tell you the funny story Matt told me last night about our friend Grayson, let me tell you how American Matt got his name. Me and Greyson knew each other from college radio - only barely, but we had later become good friends working together at a corporate radio company together here in Wilmington. We shared an office and one desk as he worked for the hip hop station and I worked for the country station. We had some good times. (We even fucked doughnuts on a dare. And that was like the 30th craziest thing we ever did.)

One of the best times was when we had interns come in for an introductory meeting in the conference room. The first guy introduced himself as "Matt" and said he was from Canada. The second guy also introduced himself as "Matt" and said he was from Salisbury, North Carolina. Greyson said, "Well, from now on we're referring to this guy as "Canadien Matt" and that guy as "American Matt."

Canadien Matt never showed up again. Beyond that one day at work, he disappeared never to be seen again. After this happened, American Matt said, "Now that Canadien Matt is out of the picture, does that mean I get to go back to just being called regualar old "Matt" again?"

Grayson laughed and said, "Ha ha! You don't know how things work around here! Just cuz Canadien Matt is gone, don't mean shit, boy! You're American Matt for life!"

And for the last three years, he has remained as our good friend, "American Matt."

So last night, when I talked to American Matt while he was out in Texas, he was telling me a funny story about what happened when he talked to Greyson on the phone the other night.

Greyson lives out in Santa Cruz now. He's a rapper. He is amazing. He makes songs that I love in a genre I hate. And he's good not just because he's my friend - he's just good at what he does. He plays in front of hundreds these days. He should be playing in front of thousands. I can't wait 'til his break comes. He deserves it.

So Matt told me that he decided to give Grayson a random call out in Santa Cruz last week and it went down with usual hilarity. Matt said that when Grayson answered the phone and said, "Whattup, American Matt!" - he knew exactly what was going on.

Matt said that he heard an announcer screaming over a crowd on a P.A. system saying "Ladies and Gentleman - here he is! HAJI P!"

Haji P is Grayson's rapper name. Matt said, "Grayson are you currently walking out on stage?"

Greyson matter of factly said, "Yeah. But what's up, my man? How you been?"

Matt said, "I'm good. I was just calling you to shoot the shit since we haven't spoken in a while. But Greyson, if you're walking on stage right now, why did you answer? Go do your show, man!"

Greyson: "Shit man. The show can wait. I don't ever turn down a call from my boy, boy! How the hell have you been? What's new, American Matt?"

Matt: "Dude, you have people screaming for you - go do your show. I can wait."

Grayson: "Oh yeah, I guess you're right. I'll go tear it up. I call you later."

Matt: "Have a good show!"


And that's why I love my friends. They will hold up their own rap concerts just to shoot the shit with each other on the telephone.