Blowing Blows.

New Post: The entire story is fictional. Totally fictional. So let's just go with that one, okay? Otherwise, I'm not writing the shit.

A certain dumbass went to the Down/Melvins show back in September. The show took place in Myrtle Beach 1.5 hours from the dumbass's home in Wilmington, North Carolina. Due to the fact that he lived in a tourist town, Dumbass forgot that this was a holiday weekend. Shit - every weekend is a holiday weekend in Wilmington. Dumbass also forgot that the authorities announced they'd be doing DWI checkpoints all over the area.

So the show was great. It was great because Down rules, the Melvins rules, and Dumbass drank about 2 vodka tonics and 7 Miller Lites in three hours. The amazing thing about this dumbass is that he can drink a lot and not become legally drunk. (Two or three police tests over a lifetime have proved his incredible alcohol processing abilities.) Unfortunately, this streak of incredible metabolism was going to come to an end... by a hair.

Dumbass and his co-hort, Girl Who Knows She's Always Safe When He's In Control Of Anything Including A Car, saw a checkpoint at the state line. They dodged it. Unfortunately, another tinier, po-dunkier town was running a separate checkpoint. Dumbass wisely tried to turn around and hide at the Food Lion, but a more pussified citizen got behind him and wouldn't agree to turn around as well. This forced dumbass to go through the checkpoint.

Dumbass was the last person to get arrested. And arrested he was! And the chivalrous cops packed up and left the girl sitting alone in a dark parking lot in the woods by herself! Real men. Who wouldn't leave a skinny young blond girl in a skirt and tank top all alone locked out of a car and refuse her a ride to a safe place?

Dumbass doesn't regret driving. Dumbass regrets getting caught. The world was not spared an unsafe person that night. He even told law enforcement he could do backflips during their stupid test that he was ace-ing, despite the fact that he had never done a back flip in his life. Despite his bravado, Dumbass was charged with being .01 over the limit. (An amount that used to be legal to drive under.)

Fast forward 7 months later.

At court date 3, Dumbass's Attorney said to him, "You know that female officer that wrecked her car hot-dogging at 100 mph when she was trying to race her fellow officers who were on duty about two months ago?"

Dumbass said he was familiar with the woman.

The well-connected Southern Attorney said, "Since she administered your blood test, and now she's out with serious injuries and probably has lost her police career, I'm going to ask for a dismissal."

Dumbass said, "A woman never tested me. A big fat guy did."

The Attorney said, "Yes, she did."

Dumbass privately asked his passenger (who came to court) if she remembered the woman giving him a test. She said, "The only woman there that night was me. A big fat guy tested you."

Then dumbass realized that his attorney had a scheme that he needed to not sabatoge. Dumbass also noticed that the other officer in the case had suddenly disappeared from court... for the day. He said he "had a meeting he forgot about." And then the judge made jokes about the female officer's driving skills and dismissed the case while everyone in the court laughed (except the lone female officer who barked out defenses of the woman.)

Then dumbass realized that his expensive attorney's fees were being spread around. Thank God that some officer who couldn't drive and wasn't there to testify was the convenient excuse for everyone in the court system to distribute dumbass's money to each other and let him go free.

Acquitted and enlightened. Dumbass will never again bitch about dirty attorneys - they'll keep you clean.

article 2.

Trust no one today, no one. If you are reading our weekly edition of the Topsail Advertiser on the first day it comes out (Thursday,) then you are likely to avoid tragedy. If you are reading this after Thursday, then we are so sorry for what may have happened to you. Before I tell you why you need to trust no one today, let me tell you what happened to some other people who ignored the warning of the day.

The things that can happen you today can range from the mildly inconvenient situation to the most embarassing debacle. Every year on a day like today, a local woman named Mindy asks her husband, Baxter, to fix her a glass of water. But when Baxter turns on the faucet to fill up the cup, the nozzle doesn't pour water into the cup, it instead sprays water all over Baxter's shirt and face. Inexplicably, a piece of plastic-wrap taped over part of the spiggot had caused the drenching. But no one is sure why. All that is known is that things like this happen on this particular day.

Water-faucets accidents are just tip of the iceberg when it comes to bad things that can happen to you today. One time, my friend Yvonne ran into the bedroom of her older sister, who was sleeping, and yelled, "The house is on fire!" Since her sister wasn't wearing clothes she wrapped herself only in a towel and ran out wearing next to nothing. But the house turned out not to be on fire! And the neighbors were actually in a good mood, since they were laughing at the poor girl that was now standing in the front yard nearly naked. Why would Yvonne say the house was on fire when it wasn't? Nobody knows. All that is known is that things like this always seems to happen on days like today.

When I tell you to trust no one today, I don't just mean people you encounter in person. I mean people that call you on the phone, people that you hear on the radio, or even people that write articles in publications. On a day like today, individuals aren't the only ones that can fall victim to the strange phenomenon that is today, sometimes large portions of the public can have an unfortunate incident. You may remember an article written in Sports Illustrated in 1985 (on a day much like today) about a baseball player named Sidd Finch. The article claimed that the previously unheard-of New York Mets pitcher could throw a baseball almost 170 miles an hour. This excited several of the most skeptical people on Earth: New Yorkers. Still, the day would win again, when for some reason, it was revealed that not only could Sidd Finch not throw a baseball that fast - Sidd Finch wasn't even a real person. No one knows why such things happen on a day like today; but if you'd like to hear more about why you need to trust no one today, come out the annual Topsail Island April Fool's Day Parade and I'll explain it to you. The parade starts at 4 p.m. at the Surf City Community Center. See you then.

newspaper article incomplete

My word perfect is broken so I'm just writing on this program and saving it from time to time so I don't lose it. It's a terrible article I'm throwing together at the last minute for my newspaper, so please disregard it.

This Sunday, thousands of people in Topsail, and millions around the world, will be celebrating Easter. The holiday will be begin with sunrise services for some, and visits from the Easter bunny for others. Some families will be remembering Jesus dying on the cross and his subsequent resurrection, while others will be dying Easter eggs and hiding them in the backyard. For many, the day will consist of a little bit of both. The following is a fun quiz with a variety of trivia questions spanning the topic of Easter.

1. Most people may remember that Linus, the Peanuts character, had a strong belief in "The Great Pumpkin," in an animated holiday special, but do you remember the person he spoke of during a Peanuts Easter special. Was it:

a) The Easter Beagle
b) The Little Redheaded Bunny
c) The Great Sleeping Peep
d) Mr. Hanky The Easter Present

2. It was an passover tradition for Pontius Pilate to free one prisoner during passover. Instead of freeing Jesus, who did he choose to set free?

a) Barnabas
b) Barabbas
c) Hanna Barbara
d) Barney Frank

3. The White House Easter Egg Roll is held each year on which day?

a) Ash Wednesday
b) Good Friday
c) Easter Monday
d) Two-fer Tuesday

4. Not all denominational organizations officially celebrate the Easter holiday. One if the following groups does not. Which one is it?

a) Presbyterians
b) Southern Baptists
c) Methodists
d) The Religious Society of Friends (also known as Quakers)

5. The Cadbury Bunny is a bunny that has been used in commercials advertising Cadbury Creme Eggs for decades. Which animal does the bunny make sounds like?

a) A chicken
b) A bunny (Duh, he's a bunny!)
c) A rooster
d) A tortoise

6. Judas Iscariot betrayed Jesus by turning him over to the Romans for 30 pieces of silver. How did he spend it?

a) He had a temple constructed in honor of himself.
b) He threw it away.
c) He bought a donkey.
d) He donated it to an orphanage.

7. Sugar, Corn Syrup, Gelatin and Carnauba are the main ingredients in what.

a) Chocolate Bunnies
b) Vanilla Bunnies
c) Peeps
d) Something I never want to eat.

8. Who rolled back the large stone covering Jesus' tomb?

a) Peter and Paul
b) Mary Magdelene
c) Atlas
d) An Angel

We here at the Topsail Advertiser wish everyone on Topsail Island a fun and fulfilling Easter. Please check our Church Announcements section on page ? for information on local Easter-related events. Happy Easter!

The answers are as follows: 1-a, 2-b, 3-c, 4-d, 5-a, 6-b, 7-c, 8-d.

We're Fucked Because We Are Fun (Or "Fun King, deal with it.")

I wish I could be so good at something that I could be as amusing of a motherfucker as Axl Rose. Then again, I could never pull an "Axl." Don't get me wrong, I can be a dick, but only when being a dick is justified. I'm actually a nice boy. Maybe I'd make more of a Howard Hughes. Then again, I think he was a dick, too. Plus, he was a billionaire. And I'm too fun to be even a millionaire.

You ever thought about that? You always say, "If I was that rich, I'd be awesome!" And you're right. But that's why you're never gonna be rich: because you're too awesome to focus your crazy ass down and make money. And that's why billionaires are never fun: because they are too busy earning money to lay back and lick a frozen utility pole. Fun people can't focus. And focused people can't be fun.

And don't give me this shit about how people like Richard Branson are fun. Guys like him are posers. Sure he may build these mega-awesome hot air-balloons to play in, but he never plays in them; he's busy sitting in the damn thing on his cell phone making acquisitions and other boring business shit terms that us fun-ions could never understand. The same way your fun ass sits at your cubicle pretending to be smart, but you're really just playing Minesweeper. And who the hell plays minesweeper? It's not 1994. And who plays in hot air balloons? It's 2009.

So in conclusion, fuck super-rich people... because they're never fun. And fuck our fun asses, because we'll never be rich.

Fun w/ a dear friend's divorce

My friend looks like she is most likely about to go through an unexpected divorce after an otherwise great three year marriage. Her stupid husband is about to getted steam-cleaned because she makes, and always has made, all the money. He had a good life, but he's wanting to run. When she told me about it, she said, "Roth Wriscey, I am so annoyed by all the pity I'm getting. It's not pity time - it's business time. Just promise me you'll be the one person to make me laugh about this and not give me all that bullshit about how bad you feel for me."

I agreed to her demand - on one condition. I said, "I won't give you any obnoxious sympathy, since you asked, as long as you do know that I do want to."

"Deal!"

So I listened to her for a while and she said, "I gotta get this done. There's no time for me to grieve."

I said, "You're damn right! Cuz grievin' is for Steven. And last I checked, your name ain't Steven!"

She laughed.

A minute later, as she talked about how she had to drain the bank accounts of all the money that only she earned, she said, "I don't even have time to cry."

I said, "Yeah, cuz cryin' is for Brian. And last I checked, your name ain't Brian!"

She laughed again.

Then she said, "I'm sorry if I'm moaning about this."

I said, "Shit, you're not moaning. Moanin' is for Conan, and thank God, your name most certainly isn't Conan."

If you've got any other good formulaic name-things to go with this divorce, please share. And if your name is Brian, Steven or Conan; please forgive me. Your names are just conveniently comedic for my friend at this time. And if you still have a problem with it, quit crying, grieving, and moaning, because she isn't.

We're not gay. We're radio guys.

A few years ago, the two main morning show guys I worked with made a "bet" on the air. Charles bet Buddy that the Seahawks would beat the Steelers in the Superbowl. The loser would have to shave his legs in the 5th Avenue fountain in front of morning commuters the next day. I put "bet" in quotations for you because this bet was fake. Yes, I'm sorry. A lot of radio is fake. We call it "Theatre of the Mind." Let me explain how this bet was faked.

Off air, during a show-meeting, Charles told Buddy that it would be funny if one of them lost a bet and had to shave their own legs in public. However, Buddy was too much of prideful redneck to be willing to do that. So Charles said, "Fine. On Monday morning's show, the day after the Superbowl, me and you will reminisce on-air about the Superbowl bet we made on Friday. Even though, we never actually made the bet on Friday, most people don't listen to an entire show for four hours. So if I say, "Aww, man, Buddy. I can't believe I bet on (whoever turns out to be the loser) against you on Friday! Now, I gotta go shave my legs in public," people will believe that we really made that bet last week, just not when they were listening. That way, no matter who wins the game, I'll go out and shave my legs."

So that Monday, Charles said on-air, "Aww, man. I can't believe the Seahawks lost! Now I have to pay. I'll take Roth Wriscey with me to the 5th street fountain so he can describe the scene for the listeners on-air while I shave my legs."

So we took the big tacky country radio vehicle into the historic district in downtown Wilmington. However, we had to park about a block away from the old fountain that was in the middle of a busy four lane road.

We approached the fountain and Charles got in and started shaving his legs while I called into the studio and did the play-by-play from a cell phone live on-air. I chatted with Buddy (who was still in the studio) about the mayhem we were causing. A couple of hundred listeners had obviously altered their morning work routes to drive slowly by and cheer on Charles as he slid a razor up his legs.

Then the cops showed up.

Three or four of them parked to the side of the road and turned on their lights. They said, "All right boys, outta the fountain."

So I said into the phone, "I think we're being arrested."

The cop said to me, "And you! Hang up the phone."

They told me and Buddy that we were both facing a big fine and a trip to jail for standing and shaving in a public fountain. Then they started focusing on Charles more than me, so I slipped away and said into phone, "Folks I think we're going to jail. I know Charles is. I might be off the hook!"

Then the cop yelled out to me, "Get off that damn phone, and get back over here!"

I started to explain what was happening to the listeners, but the host in the studio said, "Don't worry, Roth Wriscey. They already heard the cop. We know what's going on. This is hilarious. Call us back whenever you're free."

So I hung up the cell and went to get cuffed. Just as they were starting to arrest us, one of the cops said, "I mean, what the hell are yall just trying to prove anyway?"

When we told him we had nothing to prove, another one said, "Wait, ain't this some sort of gay protest?"

When we told him no, another one said, "Oh, we thought yall were doin' some sort of homosexual activist stuff by shaving your legs in the fountain."

I was like, "Huh? We're not gay! We're radio guys. This was an on-air bet being honored. We thought ya'll knew that."

And the cop said, "Oh, hell. We didn't know that, we just thought ya'll was doin' some gay protestin'. All right, this changes everything. Just give us a minute to figure out what to do with yall."

While the cops stood at their cars alone and figured out what to do with us, I went back over towards the radio van and tried to covertly get back on the air through my cell phone. When the host put me on, I whispered live on the air, "Okay, folks. There was a misunderstanding. Now that they realize we're not gay, we may not go to jail. However, I'm not sure. I'm actually still supposed to stay off this phone, but I'm so far away those cops can't see my phone and they can't hear me talking to all of you. Nothiing could stop me from putting this on the air."

At that moment, one of the cops that was standing around a patrol car with the doors open yelled at me, "Hey, Dummy? You know, we DO have radios in our cars! We can hear everything you're saying! Get off that phone and get back over here!"

At that point, I went back to once again get arrested. At that point they were laughing at me and said, "Man, you 'bout the dumbest guy we ever had to detain. But look, since ya'll ain't gay protestors; as long as you promise us yall'll never get back in this fountain, and you give us some of those Country Coolers ya'll have been giving out all summer, we'll just call it a day."

So we accepted their solicitation of a bribe and gave them their prizes and got the hell out of there and went back to the studio. And we never mentioned on the air that the cops made us give them a payoff. To do that would have just been gay.